Way to overcome lust for sex .

To experience God's grace, we must first recognize our need. (See "How can I tell if I'm getting addicted to sex or pornography?") We must turn to him and others for help. That's not easy. Perhaps you realize that you have a problem but still believe you can handle it alone. Guys hate to admit defeat. We don't want to ask for help.

You Can't Overpower Your Lust

The apostle Paul understood our predicament. He told the Romans, "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" (Romans 7:18-19).

I'm not suggesting that Paul struggled with compulsive sexual behavior, but he did struggle with sin-just like the rest of us. And like the rest of us, he would make up his mind not to commit a certain sin ever again. Did he succeed? No way! Now, if the apostle Paul couldn't overpower his sin, why should you and I think we can?

Even in a world free of erotic images, men don't control their lust. My oldest son called me last week from Pakistan. In that country men and women never hang out together. And women are covered with clothing from their head to their feet. Yet my son said he met a guy who offered to introduce him to some prostitutes.

If men in a country like that can't control their lust, how can we? From the moment we get up in the morning until we climb between the sheets at night, we're bombarded with erotic images and messages.

Suppose you made up your mind you were going to make it through one day without lusting after a woman. On your way to work your eyes are drawn to the bikini-clad model greeting you from a billboard. A few moments later as you stop at an intersection, you aren't able to keep from noticing the attractively dressed young woman crossing the street.

At work a friend brags about the gorgeous babe he bedded the night before. As you order lunch, the waitress with the short skirt winks at you and smiles. When you get back to the office, a coworker eagerly shows you his favorite erotic image on the Internet.

On your way home you stop at the grocery store and catch yourself gazing at the seminude models that adorn the magazines by the checkout counter.

When you finally get home, you plop down in an easy chair and flip on the TV. As you channel surf, you're exposed to more of the female anatomy than I found in the pages of Playboy when I was a kid.

With the high level of erotic stimulation you face on a daily basis, do you believe you can bridle your lust alone? I remember a friend once telling me (and he said this with a straight face), "I'll never have a problem with sexual lust."

I looked at him and said, "You're absolutely amazing. If that's true, you're stronger than Samson, godlier that David, and wiser than Solomon."

I'll never forget his response. He sat down and stared at me for a half minute without uttering a word. And then he said, "I never though of it like that."

I'll guarantee you, if Samson, David, and Solomon were here, they'd all say, "You can't defeat your lust alone!"

You Can't Reform Your Lust

"OK," you may be thinking, "maybe I can't beat it. But I can make myself better. I can reform my lust."

I frequently talk with new Christians who think that becoming a follower of Christ means the lust problem is solved. It's as though they think Jesus waved some sort of magic wand over them and-presto!-their sinful nature was transformed. Their lust was gone.

When they discover that their problem with lust seems even worse than before, they decide they'll study the Bible and pray more. Much to their surprise, that doesn't seem to solve the problem, either.

Listen to Paul's words. In Romans 7:10-11 he said, "The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up, throwing me headlong."[1]

As sinful human beings, our lustful appetites are so evil, they'll use God's good commands to tempt us. Like a rod stirring up dirt that has settled to the bottom of a jar of water, so God's law excites our lust. Forbidden things are more exciting. Women who are off-limits take on a greater appeal. God says don't and our lust says do. God says do and our lust says don't.

Trying to reform our lust is like trying to make a dog into a person. For thirteen years a buff-colored cocker spaniel named Pumpkin graced our family. Over those years I taught Pumpkin all kinds of tricks. She obeyed the common commands like sit, lie down, and roll over. I also trained her to jump through a hoop, close a door, sit on her hind legs, and fall over as though dead when I shot her with an imaginary gun.

Yet in spite of all my training, I couldn't keep Pumpkin from acting like a dog. She always did doggy things. She ate things people tried not to step in. She sniffed other dogs in places only dogs sniff. She went to the bathroom in public. No matter how well I trained Pumpkin, she was still a dog.

Similarly, your sinful propensity doesn't reform when you enter a church. It doesn't change when you come to faith in Christ. You can go to church, read your Bible, pray daily, and even lead a ministry without reforming your sinful nature. Paul said, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature" (Romans 7:18).

When we fall under the domination of our sinful nature, we're capable of doing anything evil, whether we're believers or not. When controlled by our lust, we can no more do good than a dog can talk.

Yet when dealing with their lust, men sometimes think they can reform it. They deny its evil power.

You may grow as a Christian. You may become more like Christ in your spiritual nature. But in the flesh, in your sinful nature, you're no better than the day you trusted Christ. And because your lust is driven by sin, you can't reform it.

You Can't Starve Your Lust

One of the problems I have with a lot of recovery programs is that their primary emphasis is on abstinence. They think the key to defeating an addiction is to stop the behavior. Now, please don't misunderstand me. We can't control any addiction unless we stop acting out. But if that's all we do, it won't work. We'll simply change addictions. For example, our lust will transfer from sex to alcohol. And if we stop drinking, it will move on to shopping or work or gambling.

It's impossible to starve our lust to death. Until the day we're with the Lord, we'll struggle with sin. A number of years ago I read a poem that describes the struggle and defeat we experience when we fight against our lust alone. W It's entitled "The Yipiyuk" (by Shel Silverstein).

In the swamplands long ago,
Where the weeds and mudglumps grow,
A Yipiyuk bit on my toe…
Exactly why I do not know.
I kicked and cried and hollered "Oh!"
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
I whispered to him soft and low.
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
Yes, that was sixteen years ago,
And the Yipiyuk still won't let go.
The snow may fall, the winds may blow.
The Yipiyuk will not let go.
I drag him 'round each place I go,
And now my child at last you know
exactly why I walk so slow.

Like the Yipiyuk, your sinful nature will resist letting go. For a while you may ignore it. Later you may insist it doesn't really have a hold on you. But if you hope to break its power, you must first realize it's there and admit you don't have the power to dislodge it.

Hopefully, you'll tire of fighting a losing battle. Paul did. In desperation he cried out, "Oh, what a terrible predicament I'm in! Who will free me from … this deadly lower nature?" (Romans 7:24 LB).

If someone as spiritually together as Paul realized he was fighting a losing battle, isn't it time for you to do the same thing? I know giving up isn't easy. But it's a step you must take if you're going to find lasting freedom.

You may now begin to see your powerlessness to overcome your lust, and sense your need for God's help.

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"My Lust For Sex"

by an Anonymous Female, age 43


"I was so glad to find a story at this site about another Christian female that was addicted to sex. However, she was 19 and I am in my forties."
Sex became an addiction to me when I was only a teenager. I became promiscuous at a very early age. My father was always too busy for me and he and my mother were divorced when I was six.
While they were married, my bed was always in their bedroom with them due to the fact that we were poor and didn't have enough money for a 3 bedroom house and I had two older sisters. I don't remember ever seeing them have sex, but I must have at some point.

As a young teenager, I was approached by other girls older than I to have sex with them out of curiosity and I did. I really enjoyed it but I wouldn't admit it. Due to rejection of love from both parents I turned to boys to find love, and my sexual addiction only escalated from there. I always had sex with almost every boyfriend I had from the time I was 15 on. I have no idea how I didn't get pregnant - surely it must have been the grace of God. I always fell in love with each boy but they always dumped me after they got the sex that they wanted.

My first husband was a Christian who was brought up in a very strict Christian home, but was addicted to pornography. After we got married I caught him masturbating in the bathroom. He confessed that he did it daily over any female he had encountered that day. One time he put a porno magazine over my back while we had sex. I knew that was the last straw. Even though I had been promiscuous, I never knew that a woman could masturbate and I thought it violated my relationship with my husband.

I left him and dated a guy in my twenties who taught me about masturbation, toys, pornography, having sex with multiple partners, etc. I dated him for two years.

I was saved as a teenager but because of my addiction to sex, my relationship with God has always been hindered - sometimes to an almost non-existent point. During the time I dated this man (who was 8 years older than I), I encountered bisexual relationships and learned that I had a very strong appetite for sex, whether it be with a man or a woman.

During that time, I basically put God on the shelf because I felt that God would rather I be hot or cold and if I were lukewarm He would spew me out of his mouth.


"So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
--Rev. 3:16

After I caught this man with another woman, I left him and starting having an affair with a married man. I hoped he would leave her but he didn't. I tried living with a couple of different guys at different times, always falling in love, but the relationships always ended. I also had affairs with other married men, but they never left their wives. I also continued to have sex with women and go to gay bars so that I would be picked up. I never would get serious with them because I was only wanting sex - not a relationship. I knew I wasn't gay, but I had to satisfy that urge in me to be with a woman.
I married again in my late twenties and had children. I put all my sexual addictions on the shelf. However, that marriage broke up also because of his infidelity. He couldn't be true to me during our whole marriage. For five years after that I went back into my wild lifestyle and had sex with men and women.

I did quit for a while and I've been more close to God since that time. I am now married again. However, for some reason, lately, the sex drive that I have been keeping stuffed inside of me has come out again. I now feel as though I could very easily go out and bring another woman home for my husband and share her with him. My lust for sex has escalated to a higher point than when I was in my twenties. My husband can barely keep up with me. I've rented porn movies and been given one by a Christian friend of mine. She seems to think that anything that goes on inside of marriage is ok if it doesn't hurt your partner and it is agreed upon.

I now get on the Internet and go into chat rooms and have cybersex with anyone I can find - male or female. As usual I've put God on the shelf because there is no way I can pray to Him and ask for His forgiveness knowing fully well that when my hormones rage again, I will continue in my quest to fulfill my lust.

My spiritual life has never been this low and I don't know if I can recover. Hebrews 10 talks about tasting the Holy Spirit and then being given over to your lusts for the salvation of your soul
For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins..."
--Hebrews 10:26
I've written a Christian message board site and asked for prayer. I didn't get specific about my problems, just that I was failing and falling into a bottomless pit. My husband has participated sometimes and has been addicted to porn since he was also in his twenties. However, he gets convicted and goes back to church where I cannot. I cannot play games with God. I know I need deliverance, but I don't know if I can give up my lusts just yet. I need help!
Please pray for me and the other women who also suffer from this addiction. It's not just a man's addiction any longer...

source

LUST IS UNLIMITED

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Lust trumps love when it comes to having sex

Study finds there aren't many gender differences in reasons for intimacy.

After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations.

It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex - they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior. Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and women.

Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."

Researchers at the University of Texas spent five years and their own money to study the overlooked why behind sex while others were spending their time on the how.

"It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes ... that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love," said University of Texas clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston, the study's co-author. "That's not what I came up with in my findings."

Few gender differences
Forget thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus, "the more we look, the more we find similarity," said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. Goldstein, who wasn't part of Meston's study, said the Texas research made a lot of sense and adds to growing evidence that the vaunted differences in the genders may only be among people with sexual problems.

Meston and colleague David Buss first questioned 444 men and women - ranging in age from 17 to 52 - to come up with a list of 237 distinct reasons people have sex. They ranged from "It's fun" which men ranked fourth and women ranked eighth to "I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease" which ranked on the bottom by women.

Once they came up with that long list, Meston and Buss asked 1,549 college students taking psychology classes to rank the reasons on a one-to-five scale on how they applied to their experiences.

"None of the gender differences are all that great," Meston said. "Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it, somewhat more so than women. Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner."

But this is among college students, when Meston conceded "hormones run rampant." She predicted huge differences when older groups of people are studied.

Since her study came out Tuesday, people are coming up with new reasons to have sex.

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A lesson : Having sex in First Time

Its general ,,all youngs have lust for sex.... its natural.

There can be lot of pressure to lose your virginity - that is, to have sexual intercourse for the first time. Having sex with someone just because you want to lose your virginity, or because you think all your friends are doing it, is something you may regret later.

You might feel lots of anxieties, especially the first time you 'go all the way' - have sex. You may feel embarrassed about how you look without your clothes on, or worried about your privacy being disturbed. It's natural to feel some worries but good communication will really help to prevent you feeling embarrassed or worried. You should be able to talk to your partner about how you feel about having sex for the first time, and about any concerns you may have. Your partner might be worried, too. Being relaxed and able to share things with your partner will really ease the tension. And if you're too shy, or you're not able to talk about these things with your partner - then you probably shouldn't be having sex!

Having sexual intercourse - when a boy's hard penis goes inside a girl's vagina, or even just touches the outside of her vagina - is what leads to pregnancy. So, before having sexual intercourse you should think about whether you need to use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and condoms to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

Can a girl become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse?
Yes, a girl can become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. So, you must use contraception the first time you have sexual intercourse, if you don't want to risk becoming a parent.

What about the law?
The age of consent, that is the age at which it is legal to have sex, depends on which country you are in, and in the United States the law is different in different states (see our teens, sex and the law page for further details).

In England and Wales, the law says it's illegal for a boy or a girl to have sex with a girl or a boy who is under sixteen.

Sex and love
For some people sexual feelings are bound up with love and close relationships. Some people think sex should only happen within marriage. For some people sex and love are two different things.

What is important is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, and that you keep yourself safe. Being safe means not only thinking about physical risks such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). But also emotional risk such as the regret you may feel afterwards.

When are you ready for sex?
There is no absolute right age to start having sex. What matters is whether it is the right time for you. It also depends on what you mean by 'having sex'. There are many ways in which you can give and receive sexual pleasure without having sexual intercourse.

Giving each other massages, kissing and hugging can be very passionate. It's a way of sharing and showing love. For some people these activities can be more fulfilling than sexual intercourse.

You get pressure from people talking about sex. You think, 'I've got to go and see what it's like'. It's hard, but you've got to resist and do what you want.

It's very important not to feel pressurised into having sex when you don't really want to. Just because your friends say they are 'doing it' doesn't mean they are.

Thinking through all the implications of having sex can be a useful way of helping you arrive at a decision. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to have sex. You may feel that you are not ready emotionally. Being pushed into having sex could mean you regret it later on. Some people have quite strong religious or cultural beliefs. Others just want to wait.

Some people call this decision to wait 'abstinence'. The decision to abstain from having sex can be either a long-term decision or a short-term one. Some people decide that they do not want to start having sex until they are married or in a significant long-term relationship. Other people may decide that having sex isn't the right thing for them at this particular time. Later on they may meet a person who they want and feel ready to have sex with. The decision whether to have sex or not is an important one. You should do what is right for you. It should be an informed decision, and not one based on fear or pressure from others.

But when a boy and girl do decide they want to have sexual intercourse, they should think about using a contraceptive unless they want to become parents. Gay men should also think about using condoms. Condoms can help stop infections like HIV as well as reducing the risk of getting pregnant.

If you're thinking about having sexual intercourse, why not read our ten question checklist to help you decide if you're ready?

How exactly do you have sexual intercourse? What position is best?
Sexual intercourse between a boy and a girl starts with both of them getting sexually excited as a result of kissing, stroking, caressing rubbing and touching each other. This sexual excitement will result in certain physical signs of sexual excitement. For the girl, the vagina, the sexual opening between the legs begins to moisten. The boy will get an erection, which means his penis will get bigger and harden. It is important that this stimulation goes on for long enough, because if the girl is not sexually excited enough, then her vagina will not be lubricated and moist enough, and it will be difficult for the boy's penis to enter the girl's vagina.

When the couple are both ready to have sexual intercourse (and this includes the boy putting a condom on if he is going to use one), it is probably easiest if either the boy or the girl uses their hand to guide the penis into the vagina. Then, once the penis is inside, the couple need to move their bodies so that the penis pushes into the vagina and then pulls partly out again. After a while this movement can lead to orgasm (coming or climaxing) for one or both of them.

There are quite a number of different positions in which you can have sexual intercourse. One very common position involves both the boy and the girl lying down, with the boy lying on top (This is often referred to as the missionary position). Alternatively the girl can be on top or both the boy and the girl can lie on their sides. It is probably easiest to choose one of these positions if you are having sexual intercourse for the first time. However, you can also have sexual intercourse with both the boy and the girl sitting down, one on the other, or both can be standing up. What is most important about whichever position you choose, is that it provides stimulation and enjoyment for both of you.

Will first time sex hurt?
Many boys and girls are concerned that it will hurt the first time they have sexual intercourse. It can hurt and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse.

The hymen is a small piece of thin skin which goes across the opening of the vagina and protects it when she is young. It has some gaps in it where the blood can come out when she has her period. Sometimes a girl might already have broken her hymen without knowing about it. For example, this can happen as a result of playing sports or horse riding.

AVERT.org has more information about having sex for the first time and losing your virginity.

Some accounts from young people
Some first time sex stories have a happy ending, while others are full of regrets. Below is a selection of typical experiences.

At their house
"I lost my virginity when I was 13 and I still am 13 today. It hurt bad and I was so scared. I knew I couldn't tell anyone except my friend who was there. The worst part of my story is that the guy was 18. This is how my story goes.

"One night I stayed the night at my friend's house. We were talking to these guys I had only known for like a couple of months. They said that they would come and pick us up from her apartment. So we got ready and then they came. I didn't think that anything would happen because I had gone and hung-out with them before at their house. But this time it was different. My whole life was about to change.

"When we got to their house we just hung out and watched T.V. Then I laid on his bed and he jumped on me while my friend and his brother were watching a movie and making out. He started to finger me and then all the sudden I realize I am having sex. I think what made me not say no was because my friend had already had it and I wanted to, but I didn't think it would ever happen in a million years and especially when my friend and his brother were in the room.

"Well me and my friend haven't told anyone and I am too scared to say anything to anyone because I don't want people to think I am a hoe or I am easy or anything. But now I have to live with the guilt of not being able to tell my mom or anyone at that. Me and my mom have talked about sex and I said that I would never do it unless I was like older but I lied to myself and my mom. It made and still makes me feel so bad. I feel like kind of dirty now, but I think eventually I will get over it in time."

Deciding to wait
"When we'd been going out a while everyone started treating us like a couple. People assume because you're going out you have to do everything together. And, once you're an item its only a matter of time before they assume that you're having sex.

"But you see, we've sort of decided to wait a bit longer before we do it. I mean, we have kissed and felt each other and all that sort of thing, you know, maybe just going a little bit further each time, and sometimes I have just wanted to get it over with. You know, the first time - I've heard people say, 'you might as well get it over with, it isn't very good so why wait?'"

Simon
"I'd known Simon for ages, but it wasn't until Year 11 that we started going out. That was two years ago now and we've been together ever since. After about a year we both felt we wanted to have sex, go all the way. We'd nearly done it anyway what with all the snogging and fumbling we'd done on sofas and at discos. Because we were friends and talked a lot we talked about sex too.

"I know we were both really nervous, but talking and laughing really helped. Plus we were able to make sure nothing drastic happened. Although we loved each other loads we certainly didn't want a baby at seventeen or to put our health at risk. So we went together to the clinic, sorted things out so that there wouldn't be any worries.

"We made sure we picked the right time and the right place too. It would have been awful for someone to walk in on us, during our private time. What was it like? - Well it's difficult to describe because I'd never felt anything like it before really. I'd had orgasms through masturbation before, but sharing yourself with someone you love and respect was really good. It brought us closer together."

A great party?
"I was round at Terry's. It was a great party. Loads of people were there. I was just standing around with my mate Steve and I see this girl over his shoulder. She smiles at me, right, so I give it the business. You know, I talk to Steve but every now and then laugh really loud and look at her again, smiling loads. She kept smiling back, so I moved in. We get talking and everything's going fine. She laughed at my jokes. Next thing I know she's looking at me all soppy and we kiss. Then it all got out of control. She's whispering to me to come upstairs - you know - and I said, 'you go on, I'll come in a minute, I've got to go to the loo first', or something.

"Anyway she goes off and Steve comes over. He's really excited, going on about 'taking my chances' and 'having it off'. I didn't know what to say. I mean I was really excited about the kiss still and he's saying that I must be a right stud to pull a girl like that. It is true, I have had lots of girlfriends but it doesn't mean I'm experienced. I mean, I'm really good at the chatting up and smooth-talking but I've never actually done it. Slept with someone. But I couldn't tell him that could I?

"Anyway I went upstairs, and found her in the bedroom, with all the lights off on top of a pile of coats. She had taken off half her clothes. I had been intending to say something. All the way upstairs I'd been thinking, 'tell her, tell her you're a virgin.' But how could I? I just knew she thought I wanted to have sex. I was thinking, 'I don't want it like this, what about protection and that?'

"It was awful, looking back, but I did it. I fumbled around and we were hardly talking so eventually, after a bit of wrestling I got it in and it lasted about 10 seconds. I just got dressed and left. I kept thinking, 'well I've done it but what could it have been like?'"

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LOVE WITHOUT SEX

In other words, love does not change just because circumstances change. Let's face it, so many people mix up, confuse love and sex, intertwining both, mistaking one for the other, that when they say, "I'm in love," all they really mean is, "I'm loving the sex that I'm having with you."

And so the question is asked, can we really love someone without having sex with them? I know that we can have sex without loving, but does the opposite apply? Well, that was the topic on FAME FM's Uncensored last Monday, and even though I only caught a few minutes of the tail end of the programme, what I heard was most intriguing and revealing.

The truth is, we are all born virgins, devoid and bereft of sex, and live for many years without any desire at all. But the fact of the matter is, it was sex that brought us here, so the genesis of our very existence lies in the carnal act. Also, if some of us only knew what circumstances brought us here, we wouldn't be so smug and judgemental of other people.

Some may have been conceived through love, yes, but I daresay that a lot were brought here through mere carnal pleasure, the byproduct of a lusty, loveless encounter, a fleeting moment of sin, perhaps even a one night stand. But what is true, in many cases, at that very moment, either the words "I love you" were uttered, or at least one party thought that love was involved. Sadly it's usually the woman who thinks this. Wake up and smell the musk, it was not love, just sex.

Still, you will never be able to convince some people that they weren't in love, while the reality is, they were merely in sex. But can we really love someone without having sex with them? Some people, men especially, will lie about it, saying that they can love a woman without having sex with her, but all they really mean is that they are masters of patience, and can play the waiting game for months on end, for he knows that in the end, if he waits her out, untold pleasures will come his way eventually.

So the words will say, "Honey, I love you, and sex really does not matter, it's not your body, but your mind that I want." But the thoughts really are, "I will hold out as long as it takes, and I will tolerate your stringing me along, but eventually you will give in, and I will have my way." And yet there are people, and men, yes men, who can genuinely love a woman without sex being a part of the equation.

One example is this movie star, Terrence Howard, one of the rising black stars, pretty-boy matinee idol types of Hollywood, a guy who you'd think was tearing down the town with his sexual exploits. And yet, he decided that he doesn't have to have sex with the women he dates even though he really cares for them. His theory is, that way, he can date several women at the same time without any feeling of guilt or cheating or emotional stress. Well, he's a strong man, and more power to him, but does he really genuinely love these women, or is he merely using them as stepping stones to the right one? When he reaches that right one, can he love her without the sex?

Closer home, on the Uncensored programme, one of the guests, emotionally said that there is a woman whom he loved for many years and it's pure and genuine, and even though she is involved with someone else, if she were to leave that relationship, and even lose the ability to have sex through some physical problem or whatever, he would still marry her in a heartbeat, knowing fully well that there would be no sex involved...forever. I must tell you, I was moved by the young man's statement, for so many of us are blinded by lust and sex, that we cannot and will never experience true love.

And yet, there are so many who proclaim that there can be no love without sex. Another guest on the programme said that was impossible, and he only gave a woman up to three weeks to let off, and after that, if she doesn't, is gone him gone, on to the next possibility.

And there are also women who share this view, for even though they profess undying love for their men, this love evaporates if the man is incapable of having sex with them, so they will leave and seek carnal pleasures elsewhere. "Is what kinda dead-stock man yu is, if you can't manage the work I will get smaddy else to help yu out." No wonder there are so many stressed-out, anxious young men around, many experimenting with male enhancers and boosters to improve their performance as they seek love.

For in their minds, no sex, no love. A lady recently told me that she read that around 40 per cent of young men in Jamaica between the ages of 25 and 40 years old, were having sexual problems, and in effect could not perform. "Imagine, when I was younger I had to run from guys that age or beat them off with a stick, and now, here it is, they are all dead stock," she said.

Whether these figures are true or not, I do not know, but even if they are close, it's cause for concern. Her argument is borne out by the fact that the sex toy, booster, enhancer, Viagra, Cyalis-laced industry has taken off to be a billion-dollar industry worldwide, and has even mushroomed here in Jamaica. People seek pleasure because they are looking for love. Men feign love looking for sex, and women fake sex looking for love. Why can't the two go hand in hand?

But we must be honest with ourselves, can we really love our partner if no sex is involved? If one day your man came home and said to you, "Honey, I have found the Lord, I have given up my life for Him, sex is a sin, so we must cease and desist," what would you do? Or if your woman said the same thing, or heaven forbid, something should happen like a physical illness or mental disorder that rendered either party incapable of having sex, would either one stay?

There are many medical reasons such as diabetes, high or low blood pressure, stress, that render men impotent. Should they worry that their women would stop loving them? There are also many reasons why women can't or will not have sex with their men, should the love fly out the window too? It's a tough call, for the truth is, sex does bring people closer together, and the more they have it, the closer the emotional bond becomes.

Take it away and there is a strong risk that the bond will be in jeopardy. Even women who are off sex like it when their man requests it of them, as it shows that he still cares. Now I'm not talking about old people who have no more desire for sex, but rather people who are still in their prime, that's when the true test of love without sex manifests itself.

We all know that sex brings problems, but it also brings great pleasure, but the pleasure far outweighs the crosses, hence the constant pursuit. What is true, is that if sex is the main focus of any relationship, then it is doomed to fail, for when the sex wanes, as it will, then there is no emotional substance, no foundation to hold the two together.

That's why so many young marriages barely last a few months, for as soon as the lust wears off, it's out the door and on to the next sexual playing field. Very few one-night stands end up in serious love. Take sex out of the equation for a bit and perhaps people may think more clearly. On that first date, the guy won't be thinking, "I wonder if she'll sleep with me later?"

And she won't be worrying, "Should I give in now, or hold out for a few weeks, but if I wait too long he might leave and if I give in now he might think me cheap and easy?!" Perhaps if they concentrated on getting to know each other, then true emotional love might grow. Now I'm starting to sound like an old man or even a parson, but it's just a thought that warrants exploring.
Love without sex, perhaps it's just a fantasy; for some, when the sex goes, so do they, but with true love, they'll stay through thick and thin, sex or no sex. As one married man told me, "Of course I can love without sex, after all I've been married for twenty years now, and I still love my wife." More time.

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Forecast of Lust for sex: Sex and Marriage With Robots by 2050

LUST FOR SEX

Humans could marry robots within the century. And consummate those vows.

"My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience.

Levy recently completed his Ph.D. work on the subject of human-robot relationships, covering many of the privileges and practices that generally come with marriage as well as outside of it.

At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, "but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.

Pygmalion to Roomba

The idea of romance between humanity and our artistic and/or mechanical creations dates back to ancient times, with the Greek myth of the sculptor Pygmalion falling in love with the ivory statue he made named Galatea, to which the goddess Venus eventually granted life

This notion persists in modern times. Not only has science fiction explored this idea, but 40 years ago, scientists noticed that students at times became unusually attracted to ELIZA, a computer program designed to ask questions and mimic a psychotherapist.

"There's a trend of robots becoming more human-like in appearance and coming more in contact with humans," Levy said. "At first robots were used impersonally, in factories where they helped build automobiles, for instance. Then they were used in offices to deliver mail, or to show visitors around museums, or in homes as vacuum cleaners, such as with the Roomba. Now you have robot toys, like Sony's Aibo robot dog, or Tickle Me Elmos, or digital pets like Tamagotchis."

In his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," Levy conjectures that robots will become so human-like in appearance, function and personality that many people will fall in love with them, have sex with them and even marry them.

"It may sound a little weird, but it isn't," Levy said. "Love and sex with robots are inevitable."

Sex in 5 years

Levy argues that psychologists have identified roughly a dozen basic reasons why people fall in love, "and almost all of them could apply to human-robot relationships. For instance, one thing that prompts people to fall in love are similarities in personality and knowledge, and all of this is programmable. Another reason people are more likely to fall in love is if they know the other person likes them, and that's programmable too."

In 2006, Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that people will be having sex with robots within five years, and Levy thinks that's quite likely.

There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, "and it's just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration," he said, or endowing the robots with a few audio responses. "That's fairly primitive in terms of robotics, but the technology is already there."

As software becomes more advanced and the relationship between humans and robots becomes more personal, marriage could result.

"One hundred years ago, interracial marriage and same-sex marriages were illegal in the United States. Interracial marriage has been legal now for 50 years, and same-sex marriage is legal in some parts of the states," Levy said. "There has been this trend in marriage where each partner gets to make their own choice of who they want to be with."

"The question is not if this will happen, but when," Levy said. "I am convinced the answer is much earlier than you think."

When and where it'll happen

Levy predicts Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize human-robot marriage.

"Massachusetts is more liberal than most other jurisdictions in the United States and has been at the forefront of same-sex marriage," Levy said. "There's also a lot of high-tech research there at places like MIT."

Although roboticist Ronald Arkin at the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta does not think human-robot marriages will be legal anywhere by 2050, "anything's possible. And just because it's not legal doesn't mean people won't try it," he told LiveScience.

"Humans are very unusual creatures," Arkin said. "If you ask me if every human will want to marry a robot, my answer is probably not. But will there be a subset of people? There are people ready right now to marry sex toys."

The main benefit of human-robot marriage could be to make people who otherwise could not get married happier, "people who find it hard to form relationships, because they are extremely shy, or have psychological problems, or are just plain ugly or have unpleasant personalities," Levy said. "Of course, such people who completely give up the idea of forming relationships with other people are going to be few and far between, but they will be out there."

Ethical questions

The possibility of sex with robots could prove a mixed bag for humanity. For instance, robot sex could provide an outlet for criminal sexual urges.

"If you have pedophiles and you let them use a robotic child, will that reduce the incidence of them abusing real children, or will it increase it?" Arkin asked. "I don't think anyone has the answers for that yet - that's where future research needs to be done."

Keeping a robot for sex could reduce human prostitution and the problems that come with it.

However, "in a marriage or other relationship, one partner could be jealous or consider it infidelity if the other used a robot," Levy said. "But who knows, maybe some other relationships could welcome a robot. Instead of a woman saying, 'Darling, not tonight, I have a headache,' you could get 'Darling, I have a headache, why not use your robot?'"

Arkin noted that "if we allow robots to become a part of everyday life and bond with them, we'll have to ask questions about what's going to happen to our social fabric. How will they change humanity and civilization? I don't have any answers, but I think it's something we need to study. There's a real potential for intimacy here, where humans become psychologically and emotionally attached to these devices in ways we wouldn't to a vibrator."

Levy is currently writing a paper on the ethical treatment of robots. When it comes to sex and love with robots, "the ethical issues on how to treat them are something we'll have to consider very seriously, and they're very complicated issues," Levy said.

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