"My Lust For Sex"

by an Anonymous Female, age 43


"I was so glad to find a story at this site about another Christian female that was addicted to sex. However, she was 19 and I am in my forties."
Sex became an addiction to me when I was only a teenager. I became promiscuous at a very early age. My father was always too busy for me and he and my mother were divorced when I was six.
While they were married, my bed was always in their bedroom with them due to the fact that we were poor and didn't have enough money for a 3 bedroom house and I had two older sisters. I don't remember ever seeing them have sex, but I must have at some point.

As a young teenager, I was approached by other girls older than I to have sex with them out of curiosity and I did. I really enjoyed it but I wouldn't admit it. Due to rejection of love from both parents I turned to boys to find love, and my sexual addiction only escalated from there. I always had sex with almost every boyfriend I had from the time I was 15 on. I have no idea how I didn't get pregnant - surely it must have been the grace of God. I always fell in love with each boy but they always dumped me after they got the sex that they wanted.

My first husband was a Christian who was brought up in a very strict Christian home, but was addicted to pornography. After we got married I caught him masturbating in the bathroom. He confessed that he did it daily over any female he had encountered that day. One time he put a porno magazine over my back while we had sex. I knew that was the last straw. Even though I had been promiscuous, I never knew that a woman could masturbate and I thought it violated my relationship with my husband.

I left him and dated a guy in my twenties who taught me about masturbation, toys, pornography, having sex with multiple partners, etc. I dated him for two years.

I was saved as a teenager but because of my addiction to sex, my relationship with God has always been hindered - sometimes to an almost non-existent point. During the time I dated this man (who was 8 years older than I), I encountered bisexual relationships and learned that I had a very strong appetite for sex, whether it be with a man or a woman.

During that time, I basically put God on the shelf because I felt that God would rather I be hot or cold and if I were lukewarm He would spew me out of his mouth.


"So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
--Rev. 3:16

After I caught this man with another woman, I left him and starting having an affair with a married man. I hoped he would leave her but he didn't. I tried living with a couple of different guys at different times, always falling in love, but the relationships always ended. I also had affairs with other married men, but they never left their wives. I also continued to have sex with women and go to gay bars so that I would be picked up. I never would get serious with them because I was only wanting sex - not a relationship. I knew I wasn't gay, but I had to satisfy that urge in me to be with a woman.
I married again in my late twenties and had children. I put all my sexual addictions on the shelf. However, that marriage broke up also because of his infidelity. He couldn't be true to me during our whole marriage. For five years after that I went back into my wild lifestyle and had sex with men and women.

I did quit for a while and I've been more close to God since that time. I am now married again. However, for some reason, lately, the sex drive that I have been keeping stuffed inside of me has come out again. I now feel as though I could very easily go out and bring another woman home for my husband and share her with him. My lust for sex has escalated to a higher point than when I was in my twenties. My husband can barely keep up with me. I've rented porn movies and been given one by a Christian friend of mine. She seems to think that anything that goes on inside of marriage is ok if it doesn't hurt your partner and it is agreed upon.

I now get on the Internet and go into chat rooms and have cybersex with anyone I can find - male or female. As usual I've put God on the shelf because there is no way I can pray to Him and ask for His forgiveness knowing fully well that when my hormones rage again, I will continue in my quest to fulfill my lust.

My spiritual life has never been this low and I don't know if I can recover. Hebrews 10 talks about tasting the Holy Spirit and then being given over to your lusts for the salvation of your soul
For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins..."
--Hebrews 10:26
I've written a Christian message board site and asked for prayer. I didn't get specific about my problems, just that I was failing and falling into a bottomless pit. My husband has participated sometimes and has been addicted to porn since he was also in his twenties. However, he gets convicted and goes back to church where I cannot. I cannot play games with God. I know I need deliverance, but I don't know if I can give up my lusts just yet. I need help!
Please pray for me and the other women who also suffer from this addiction. It's not just a man's addiction any longer...

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