Charge up to Love and Lust Alive

Do all seasoned relationships lose their sizzle over time? Not necessarily. Remember the high you felt when you first fell in love? That heady cloud nine feeling? Although you still love your partner, you still care for him or her, you still feel secure and comfortable with him or her, the lust, the romance, the passion no longer lights your flame.

What is missing is the dopamine rush─ the brain chemical that promotes ecstatic pleasure ─ the testosterone, oxytocin, vasopressin, endogenous opiods ─ that enhance love, lust, romance, and passion. In case you think this waning of passion is inevitable, think again. No matter the rut you are in, no matter how dispirited you feel, no matter the short supply of the good mood neurotransmitter Serotonin, you can change all of that.
You can bring romance and passion back. In the process a cascade of good mood, love, and lust brain chemicals will bathe your partner and you. The first step is to clear the deck of old stumbling blocks so that you can bring fresh experience on deck. When you change your mind, you will change your brain.

Here's how.

In my practice bringing love and lust back takes a back seat to letting go of the anger, the disappointments, the hurt of the past. You must resolve all of this first. It took two of you to get into this place so it will take the two of you to get out of it. Here then are some tips.

Communicate your feelings to your partner with "I" statements that do not attack or blame him. The listen to his side of the story.

Climb on board with him, allow yourself to walk in his shoes, to empathize with him. Then and only then can the process of forgiveness begin. Did you know that the brain houses empathy and forgiveness in the same cortices? That means as you empathize with him, you can forgive him.

As soon as you feel more at ease with your partner, the train carrying romance, lust and passion can get on track. What charges up the engine is novelty.
Change begins in the imagination. First you fantasize and then you enact the following:.
• Fantasize the verbal and sensual foreplay at a distance from your partner. Text, call, or email one another. Experience the thrill of expectations for him or her. Put it into action. When you begin making love, rather than consummating the sex act, let foreplay linger on and on so that longing mounts.

• Surrender to the feelings that arise in you as you surrender to your partner. The magic arises when you lose yourself in your partner only to find yourself.

• If you have always made love in your bed, imagine making love in a hot air balloon, in the shower, naked on a sunny beach, or any other romantic novel places that come to mind. Then pick some of these places, invite your partner to your hot spot and go for it.

• Imagine making love in different positions and in different ways and then try these novel ways of love-making.

• How about time of day or night? If love-making was reserved for after dinner when the dishes were done, leave them in the sink. How about love in the morning, at noon, or in the afternoon?

These are only some suggestions that may or may not register with you. My hope is that you are inspired to create your own novelty to spice up a lack-luster relationship. Life is not forever, but love and lust can make each precious moment of it more vibrant, vital, and fulfilling.

237 reasons we have sex lust

After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.
College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex -- they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior. Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and women.

Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."

Researchers at the University of Texas spent five years and their own money to study the overlooked why behind sex while others were spending their time on the how.

"It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes ... that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love," said University of Texas clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston, the study's co-author. "That's not what I came up with in my findings."

Forget thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus, "the more we look, the more we find similarity," said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. Goldstein, who wasn't part of Meston's study, said the Texas research made a lot of sense and adds to growing evidence that the vaunted differences in the genders may only be among people with sexual problems.

Meston and colleague David Buss first questioned 444 men and women -- ranging in age from 17 to 52 -- to come up with a list of 237 distinct reasons people have sex. They ranged from "It's fun" which men ranked fourth and women ranked eighth to "I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease" which ranked on the bottom by women.

Once they came up with that long list, Meston and Buss asked 1,549 college students taking psychology classes to rank the reasons on a one-to-five scale on how they applied to their experiences.

"None of the gender differences are all that great," Meston said. "Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it, somewhat more so than women. Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner."

But this is among college students, when Meston conceded "hormones run rampant." She predicted huge differences when older groups of people are studied.

Since her study came out Tuesday, people are coming up with new reasons to have sex.

"Originally, I thought that we exhaustively compiled the list, but now I found that there should be some added," Meston said.

Source :http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=227048

Lust U

Study gauges sex time

Penn State researcher Eric Corty recently concluded that "desirable" sex usually lasts between seven and 13 minutes on average, contrary to popular belief.

Through surveys of 50 sex therapists from the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, Corty, associate professor of psychology and Jenay Guardiani, fellow Penn State Erie researcher, found ranges of time to classify sexual intercourse as too short, adequate, desirable or too long.

"I was curious as to how long was most pleasurable ... and I wanted to relieve some anxiety that some Americans have about the duration of intercourse," Corty said. "I found that some people have unrealistic expectations about how long sexual intercourse should last."

According to the surveys, three to seven minutes is considered "adequate," seven to 13 minutes is considered "desirable," one to two minutes is considered "too short" and 10 to 30 minutes is considered "too long."

"I think people who have really long sex don't have much substance to their relationships," Brittney Barbieri (freshman-biobehavioral health) said. "But seven to 13 minutes sounds about right -- get in, get off, get out."

While this study may show the duration of sexual intercourse has specific pleasurable ranges, biobehavioral health instructor Spring Cooper says the range of time for an entire pleasurable sexual experience could be significant.

"Intercourse is lasting that long -- not the whole sexual interaction. That seven to 13 minute range is excluding kissing, touching, fondling, etc.," she said.

Cooper said one thing to keep in mind is that the duration of intercourse should not be more important than pleasure.

"People do have to understand that it's just the intercourse that he's talking about," Cooper said. "If people have a shorter sexual interaction, they might think the sex is shorter, but it's more likely that the entire interaction that was shorter."

Numerical values for the time ranges were judged by sex therapists in a variety of ways, and it should be considered that the values are averages, Corty said.

"These are people who've been in practice for years, so they've talked to a lot of people, but they also keep up on research and current studies," he said. "It's a combination of clinical experience, contemporary research and education."

Corty hopes his research will relieve stress some may have about how long their sex lasts, but Cooper feels such high expectations are because of overestimating the time spent having intercourse by including foreplay.

"People sometimes spend a lot of time on foreplay and then notice that an hour's gone, but that doesn't mean the entire hour was specifically intercourse," Cooper said. "If people knew how long they were actually having sex, I don't think they'd be as stressed about the pressure for intercourse to last."

Although encouraged by the publicity his findings have attracted, Corty does not want his research to cause people to judge their sex lives as abnormal.

"I'm pleased with how much publicity this is getting, but I do want to be real careful when people discuss this because these are averages," Corty said. "If the average shoe size in the United States is a seven and your foot is a size eight, there's nothing wrong. It's just different than average."

Lust :Sex chemistry lasts two years max. And?

Been in a relationship longer than a couple of years? First flush of romance worn off? Well, duh. For some reasonworked hard to identify the specific hormones which downgrade your libido from "passionate lust" to "let's just cuddle".

The team from the University of Pisa, Italy, discovered that hormones called neutrophins are responsible for the slowly diminishing sense of lust, with those in the first flush of romance showing much higher levels.

Dr. Petra Boynton of the British Psychological Society hastened to add that this did not mean the first flush is the best bit

She cautioned that we should not necessarily attempt to revisit that, since the settled relationship feelings can be much more valuable and was concerned that the research would lead to attempts to synthesise these hormones.

Testosterone also increases in loved-up women, and decreases in loving men; couples who had been in a relationship for between one and two years had decreased "love molecules", though the relationships were functioning well. Instead, increased levels of oxytocin, the chemical the induces labour and milk production in new and pregnant mothers, were found in the couples and that's the secure cuddle factor.

I suspect anyone in a long term relationship will be wondering how they can report this to the Department of the Bleedin' Obvious around now

Lust for Loving feel

Lust for Loving feel:

Like friendship, love can die. And sometimes the cause is just boredom and benign neglect.

IF DIVORCES are on the rise, what does it say about society and that crazy little thing called love? That “I love you” doesn’t mean that much anymore?

That values like faithfulness, commitment, loyalty and patience are in short supply?

That the belief that the family is the building block of society – and marriage the foundation of the family – is being chipped away?

That love is no guarantee a marriage will last? That marriage is no guarantee love will last? And that even if love doesn’t last, marriage is no longer the glue that holds couples and families together?

That love between a couple can actually die?

A recent study of the United States, Russia and the Scandinavian countries suggested that the traditional “seven-year itch” has been replaced by the five-year itch.

In the 1950s, the rule of thumb was that amber lights would flash when a marriage hit the seven-year mark. Today, couples are at their greatest risk of divorcing just before their fifth wedding anniversary.

The thing about folks like me who’ve never been married and who are maybe harbouring a secret longing to be (if we find the right person, of course) is that we’re incurable romantics.

We believe in the power of love. We actually think people mean it when they utter that till-death-do-us-part bit in their vows.

We place the institution on a pedestal and cling to fairytale ideals and images even when all around us we see daily evidence of how married life can, in fact, be pretty dreary and dreadful, the grind of housework, finances to be managed, children’s homework to be supervised and just general petty marital annoyances.

Yet, when I hear that couples I know are divorcing, I always feel sad and even let down.

How can it be that if you’ve been lucky enough to find the love of your life (for you must have, to have married each other, right?), you can no longer bear to be in each other’s company? How can you let that love slip away?

Then again, whoever said that the feeling would last forever?

When it comes to love, we’re at the mercy of our biochemistry, say researchers.

One of the best-known experts in this subject is anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University, the United States.

Love, she says, comes in three flavours and each involves different hormones and chemicals in our bodies.

Stage one is lust, that intense longing driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen which “get you out looking for anything”.

Stage two is attraction, that wondrous love-struck phase when you feel exhilarated and think obsessively of that one person.

Neurotransmitters called monoamines come into play here. There’s dopamine, which gives you waves of exquisite pleasure even over the smallest thing about your beau.

There’s also norepinephrine, which makes you sweat and your heart beat faster, and serotonin, which has a similar chemical appearance to people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

If a relationship lasts, attachment takes over as the third stage (some experts say the transition from attraction to attachment can take 30 months). It is the bond that keeps couples together, especially when they go on to have children.

Two hormones are released: oxytocin which is released by both sexes during orgasm and helps them bond; and vasopressin, which supports behaviour that leads to long-term commitment.

When disaster strikes

The big problem, though, is that one person can experience the three stages at the same time, with disastrous consequences.

Says Dr Fisher: “You can feel deep attachment for a long-term spouse, while you feel romantic love for someone else, while you feel the sex drive in situations unrelated to either partner.”

The result? Adultery, pain, anger, jealousy and ultimately even divorce.

The thing about love I’ve found is that familiarity does breed contempt or at least boredom, and you’ve really got to work to keep the feeling going.

Little things about your partner that were sweet in the beginning inevitably start to sour once you’ve past the lovesick stage.

Little annoyances can accumulate to make you explode.

But for some, love has a use-by date. Just as friendship between platonic friends can outlive itself, so, too, can long-term romantic love.

I’ve found that love can disappear for a variety of reasons. The cause can be sensational, such as when a partner does something that hurts and deceives you.

More often though, the reasons are prosaic, like over-familiarity, boredom and benign neglect. And with the first-stage lust long gone, the love is quickly spent and you just aren’t into each other anymore.

Still, to have loved and lost must surely be better than to have never loved at all. – The Straits Times Singapore / Asia News Network

Hiten talks about love & lust

Hiten Tejwani reveals all.


Your first crush...

I really can’t remember.

Your first date...

That was when I was in college. I was in Jai Hind. She was in the same college. We went to the nearby Satkar restaurant.

Your idea of a perfect date...

With my wife Gauri on a beautiful island. We both loves beaches. So, it would be just perfect for us.

What qualities do you look for in a woman?

It’s not about external appearance, but inner beauty. Somebody who is a nice person and understanding. If she has a good sense of humour that would be the icing on the cake.

What was your first relationship like?

I was in my teens then. It was when I was in college. Actually it was a learning experience.

What do you think about lust versus love?

Where there is love there is lust.

What is romance to you?

It’s about being there for each other always.

Who’d you like to get dirty with on an island?

So many of them!!

Do you believe in the institution of marriage?

Yes of course. Marriage is a serious matter. Whoever plans to get married must remember they are getting into a bond which is forever. Two people in a marriage have to make it work. They are two different individuals who’ve come together and there are bound to be some differences. It’s all about adjusting and having a good understanding.

Your take on infidelity?

Why cheat on your partner and put your marriage in trouble. It makes no sense.

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE # 1

. LUST—RESPONDING TO IMPRINTED SEXUAL FANTASIES

A. Where Does Lust Come From?

Lust is the sexual feeling we find arising within ourselves
when we meet a person who triggers our sexual responses.
Our sexual responses were imprinted into us at an early age
—probably before age 20 and perhaps most importantly during adolescence.

We might like to think that our sexual responses came from our animal ancestors,
but that would not explain why we are aroused by
words, stories, myths, settings, clothing, etc.
We get 'turned on' by all kinds of things that have strong symbolic content,
which is not possible for the other animals,
since they do not use abstract symbols.

But it seems safe to assume that human lusting
has been happening for at least 100,000 years,
which marks the beginning of our symbolic capacity
and the emergence of human language.
These early humans probably had different sexual imprinting,
but they were probably 'turned on' by sexy stories just as we are.

Which people really 'turn us on'
—even if we do not know them personally?
What are our best lust-objects?
Heterosexual males find themselves sexually attracted
to conventionally-sexy females.
Heterosexual females find themselves sexually attracted
to conventionally-sexy males.
Just switch the lust-objects for most homosexual males and females.

We grow up knowing that we lust after certain kinds of people.


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B. Does Our Lust-Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

When we were teen-agers we lusted after others our own age.
And it now appears that those we lusted for in our youth
remain inside our sexual brains for the rest of our lives.
Thus as our bodies and minds get older and more mature,
our sexual responses do not mature along with us.
We still find ourselves 'turned on' by the images that aroused us in our teen years.

We might find ourselves torn between
the mature adults we have become in every other way
and the 'adolescent' sexual responses that still control our sexual brains.


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C. How Should We Respond to the Lust We Find within Ourselves?

Even tho we discover that we cannot change the lusty stories in our brains,
we are always responsible for the sexual behavior we create from those impulses.
Some of us experience no conflict between our sexual imprinting
and the behavior that naturally follows from it.
We might actually enjoy the resulting sexual behavior.

But if as we become more mature adults,
we do not like the specific sexual response we find within ourselves,
then we have the difficult task of re-creating our sexuality
so that it reflects more the persons we have become in adulthood
than the teen-agers we were some years ago.


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II. ROMANTIC LOVE—HOW OUR HEARTS WERE TRAINED TO 'FALL IN LOVE'.

One of the most common alternatives to lusting is loving.
But the kind of love we usually mean is romantic love,
which also might lead us into problems.

A. Where Does Romantic Love Come From?

Just as we might like to believe that our human sexuality is 'natural',
so we usually assume that 'falling in love' comes naturally.
But historical investigation has discovered
that what we know as romantic love is only about 800 years old.
This seems shocking and impossible to us as first,
since we know that people have been mating and reproducing for millions of years.
But if we clearly separate lust from love,
we can see that lust might have accounted for the sexual behavior of our ancestors
even if they could never have understood a romantic Hollywood movie.

Romantic love is a cultural construct,
which has been spread over the whole Earth by the mass media.
Before radio, television, and movies—100 years ago—
large parts of the world had never heard of 'falling in love'.
They still had sexual relationships and families, of course,
but the fantasy of romantic love did not run their relationships.

Romantic love is basically an emotional story we tell ourselves.
By means of the mass media, we have been programmed
so that we 'fall in love' following the patterns prescribed in the Hollywood script.
We try to reproduce a fantasy feeling.
We 'fall in love' with the Dream Lover we brought with us
when we set out to find "someone to love".


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B. Does Our Romantic Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

Because we have learned how to 'fall in love' from the surrounding culture,
it is also possible to unlearn this emotional programming.
However, if we are enjoying the game of romance,
we might not want to be awakened from that dream.
Only when the romantic delusion starts to fall apart
do we begin to look for more mature ways of loving.

So, at least for some people, romantic love can be replaced by relationships
not based on emotional responses learned from the culture
but based on the two persons as they are re-inventing themselves to be.
Meaningful loving relationships can be created
completely beyond the romantic mythology.


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C. How Should We Respond to the Romantic Feelings We Find within Ourselves?

Many of us have few problems with the romantic responses we experience.
We enjoy the game of falling in and out of love.
And we will continue to seek new romantic adventures for the rest of our lives.

We might decide that the game of romance is harmless,
as long as all players realize
that they are trying to re-create a story they saw on television.

But after a few more cycles on the merry-go-round of love,
we might ask whether we want to repeat this fantasy-script.

A more mature response can leave the romantic fantasies behind
and proceed to create relationships beyond romantic illusions.


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III. BEYOND BOTH LUST AND LOVE—CREATING UNIQUE RELATIONSHIPS.

A. Where Do Relationships Come From?

As strange as it might seem to some people at first,
it is possible to create relationships beyond our imprinted sex-scripts (the lust response)
and beyond our emotionally-programmed romantic feelings (the love response).
These relationships will be based in something much more substantial
—in the new persons we are creating ourselves to be.

In other words, loving relationships based in Authenticity
emerge from the actual interaction of two people who are building that relationship.
Piece by piece, we can create new patterns of being together
that have never been attempted before.
We are not prisoners of our imprinted sex-scripts.
We do not need to replicate romantic feelings we leaned from the movies.

What we choose as our central purposes in life
can also become central to our loving relationships.
In freedom we can re-create our selves—and our relationships.


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B. Do Our Loving Relationships Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

When our loving relationships are based on our own free choices
rather than our imprinted sexual fantasies
or the romantic traditions we picked up from society,
then we are also free to change our relationships as the years go by.
In fact, it is very likely that we will create new dimensions of our relationships
while we let some older aspects die away as no longer meaningful.
If we become more Authentic in new ways,
those changes will also show themselves in our relationships.
Our sexual responses will probably remain the same.
And the romantic tradition will continue into the foreseeable future.
But as free persons, we can create new kinds of relationships.


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C. How Do We Conduct and Transform Our Loving Relationships?

When we were still allowing our connections with others
to be shaped by our sexual responses and our romantic dreams,
we had to fight against these influences
if we wanted to do anything that was definitely our own.
But once we begin to re-invent love for the two persons we are and are becoming,
then the next phase of our relationship will be whatever we decide it will be.

We conduct our relationship by making daily decisions
about what we will do together.
And we make major transformations of our relationship
by discussing and deciding what new things we will try.
With each new experiment in our relationship,
we will evaluate the results as seen from both sides.
We will abandon the changes that did not work for us.
And we will continue and develop the new dimensions that we both like.

Lusting and 'falling in love' are only the beginning.
After we get beyond sex and romance,
we can use our creativity to re-invent love.

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE

Connecting with other persons is an important dimensions of living.

One of the first things that draws us to other people is our sexual response.
But because lust responds to abstract characteristics of the other,
we might find simple sex a deficient basis for an on-going relationship.

Parallel to our sexual responses we also find ourselves 'falling in love'.
This emotional response has deep roots in our Western culture.
But romantic love is also a deficient basis for a meaningful relationship.

Beyond lust and love, it is still possible to create relationships
based on the persons we are inventing ourselves to be.
Beyond sexual and emotional givens,
we can love freely and creatively.

OUTLINE:
I. LUST—RESPONDING TO IMPRINTED SEXUAL FANTASIES.

A. Where Does Lust Come From?

B. Does Our Lust-Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Should We Respond to the Lust We Find within Ourselves?

II. ROMANTIC LOVE—HOW OUR HEARTS WERE TRAINED TO 'FALL IN LOVE'.

A. Where Does Romantic Love Come From?

B. Does Our Romantic Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Should We Respond to the Romantic Feelings We Find within Ourselves?

III. BEYOND BOTH LUST AND LOVE—CREATING UNIQUE RELATIONSHIPS.

A. Where Do Relationships Come From?

B. Do Our Loving Relationships Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Do We Conduct and Transform Our Loving Relationships?

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE

A lesson : Having sex in First Time

Its general ,,all youngs have lust for sex.... its natural.

There can be lot of pressure to lose your virginity - that is, to have sexual intercourse for the first time. Having sex with someone just because you want to lose your virginity, or because you think all your friends are doing it, is something you may regret later.

You might feel lots of anxieties, especially the first time you 'go all the way' - have sex. You may feel embarrassed about how you look without your clothes on, or worried about your privacy being disturbed. It's natural to feel some worries but good communication will really help to prevent you feeling embarrassed or worried. You should be able to talk to your partner about how you feel about having sex for the first time, and about any concerns you may have. Your partner might be worried, too. Being relaxed and able to share things with your partner will really ease the tension. And if you're too shy, or you're not able to talk about these things with your partner - then you probably shouldn't be having sex!

Having sexual intercourse - when a boy's hard penis goes inside a girl's vagina, or even just touches the outside of her vagina - is what leads to pregnancy. So, before having sexual intercourse you should think about whether you need to use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and condoms to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

Can a girl become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse?
Yes, a girl can become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. So, you must use contraception the first time you have sexual intercourse, if you don't want to risk becoming a parent.

What about the law?
The age of consent, that is the age at which it is legal to have sex, depends on which country you are in, and in the United States the law is different in different states (see our teens, sex and the law page for further details).

In England and Wales, the law says it's illegal for a boy or a girl to have sex with a girl or a boy who is under sixteen.

Sex and love
For some people sexual feelings are bound up with love and close relationships. Some people think sex should only happen within marriage. For some people sex and love are two different things.

What is important is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, and that you keep yourself safe. Being safe means not only thinking about physical risks such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). But also emotional risk such as the regret you may feel afterwards.

When are you ready for sex?
There is no absolute right age to start having sex. What matters is whether it is the right time for you. It also depends on what you mean by 'having sex'. There are many ways in which you can give and receive sexual pleasure without having sexual intercourse.

Giving each other massages, kissing and hugging can be very passionate. It's a way of sharing and showing love. For some people these activities can be more fulfilling than sexual intercourse.

You get pressure from people talking about sex. You think, 'I've got to go and see what it's like'. It's hard, but you've got to resist and do what you want.

It's very important not to feel pressurised into having sex when you don't really want to. Just because your friends say they are 'doing it' doesn't mean they are.

Thinking through all the implications of having sex can be a useful way of helping you arrive at a decision. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to have sex. You may feel that you are not ready emotionally. Being pushed into having sex could mean you regret it later on. Some people have quite strong religious or cultural beliefs. Others just want to wait.

Some people call this decision to wait 'abstinence'. The decision to abstain from having sex can be either a long-term decision or a short-term one. Some people decide that they do not want to start having sex until they are married or in a significant long-term relationship. Other people may decide that having sex isn't the right thing for them at this particular time. Later on they may meet a person who they want and feel ready to have sex with. The decision whether to have sex or not is an important one. You should do what is right for you. It should be an informed decision, and not one based on fear or pressure from others.

But when a boy and girl do decide they want to have sexual intercourse, they should think about using a contraceptive unless they want to become parents. Gay men should also think about using condoms. Condoms can help stop infections like HIV as well as reducing the risk of getting pregnant.

If you're thinking about having sexual intercourse, why not read our ten question checklist to help you decide if you're ready?

How exactly do you have sexual intercourse? What position is best?
Sexual intercourse between a boy and a girl starts with both of them getting sexually excited as a result of kissing, stroking, caressing rubbing and touching each other. This sexual excitement will result in certain physical signs of sexual excitement. For the girl, the vagina, the sexual opening between the legs begins to moisten. The boy will get an erection, which means his penis will get bigger and harden. It is important that this stimulation goes on for long enough, because if the girl is not sexually excited enough, then her vagina will not be lubricated and moist enough, and it will be difficult for the boy's penis to enter the girl's vagina.

When the couple are both ready to have sexual intercourse (and this includes the boy putting a condom on if he is going to use one), it is probably easiest if either the boy or the girl uses their hand to guide the penis into the vagina. Then, once the penis is inside, the couple need to move their bodies so that the penis pushes into the vagina and then pulls partly out again. After a while this movement can lead to orgasm (coming or climaxing) for one or both of them.

There are quite a number of different positions in which you can have sexual intercourse. One very common position involves both the boy and the girl lying down, with the boy lying on top (This is often referred to as the missionary position). Alternatively the girl can be on top or both the boy and the girl can lie on their sides. It is probably easiest to choose one of these positions if you are having sexual intercourse for the first time. However, you can also have sexual intercourse with both the boy and the girl sitting down, one on the other, or both can be standing up. What is most important about whichever position you choose, is that it provides stimulation and enjoyment for both of you.

Will first time sex hurt?
Many boys and girls are concerned that it will hurt the first time they have sexual intercourse. It can hurt and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse.

The hymen is a small piece of thin skin which goes across the opening of the vagina and protects it when she is young. It has some gaps in it where the blood can come out when she has her period. Sometimes a girl might already have broken her hymen without knowing about it. For example, this can happen as a result of playing sports or horse riding.

AVERT.org has more information about having sex for the first time and losing your virginity.

Some accounts from young people
Some first time sex stories have a happy ending, while others are full of regrets. Below is a selection of typical experiences.

At their house
"I lost my virginity when I was 13 and I still am 13 today. It hurt bad and I was so scared. I knew I couldn't tell anyone except my friend who was there. The worst part of my story is that the guy was 18. This is how my story goes.

"One night I stayed the night at my friend's house. We were talking to these guys I had only known for like a couple of months. They said that they would come and pick us up from her apartment. So we got ready and then they came. I didn't think that anything would happen because I had gone and hung-out with them before at their house. But this time it was different. My whole life was about to change.

"When we got to their house we just hung out and watched T.V. Then I laid on his bed and he jumped on me while my friend and his brother were watching a movie and making out. He started to finger me and then all the sudden I realize I am having sex. I think what made me not say no was because my friend had already had it and I wanted to, but I didn't think it would ever happen in a million years and especially when my friend and his brother were in the room.

"Well me and my friend haven't told anyone and I am too scared to say anything to anyone because I don't want people to think I am a hoe or I am easy or anything. But now I have to live with the guilt of not being able to tell my mom or anyone at that. Me and my mom have talked about sex and I said that I would never do it unless I was like older but I lied to myself and my mom. It made and still makes me feel so bad. I feel like kind of dirty now, but I think eventually I will get over it in time."

Deciding to wait
"When we'd been going out a while everyone started treating us like a couple. People assume because you're going out you have to do everything together. And, once you're an item its only a matter of time before they assume that you're having sex.

"But you see, we've sort of decided to wait a bit longer before we do it. I mean, we have kissed and felt each other and all that sort of thing, you know, maybe just going a little bit further each time, and sometimes I have just wanted to get it over with. You know, the first time - I've heard people say, 'you might as well get it over with, it isn't very good so why wait?'"

Simon
"I'd known Simon for ages, but it wasn't until Year 11 that we started going out. That was two years ago now and we've been together ever since. After about a year we both felt we wanted to have sex, go all the way. We'd nearly done it anyway what with all the snogging and fumbling we'd done on sofas and at discos. Because we were friends and talked a lot we talked about sex too.

"I know we were both really nervous, but talking and laughing really helped. Plus we were able to make sure nothing drastic happened. Although we loved each other loads we certainly didn't want a baby at seventeen or to put our health at risk. So we went together to the clinic, sorted things out so that there wouldn't be any worries.

"We made sure we picked the right time and the right place too. It would have been awful for someone to walk in on us, during our private time. What was it like? - Well it's difficult to describe because I'd never felt anything like it before really. I'd had orgasms through masturbation before, but sharing yourself with someone you love and respect was really good. It brought us closer together."

A great party?
"I was round at Terry's. It was a great party. Loads of people were there. I was just standing around with my mate Steve and I see this girl over his shoulder. She smiles at me, right, so I give it the business. You know, I talk to Steve but every now and then laugh really loud and look at her again, smiling loads. She kept smiling back, so I moved in. We get talking and everything's going fine. She laughed at my jokes. Next thing I know she's looking at me all soppy and we kiss. Then it all got out of control. She's whispering to me to come upstairs - you know - and I said, 'you go on, I'll come in a minute, I've got to go to the loo first', or something.

"Anyway she goes off and Steve comes over. He's really excited, going on about 'taking my chances' and 'having it off'. I didn't know what to say. I mean I was really excited about the kiss still and he's saying that I must be a right stud to pull a girl like that. It is true, I have had lots of girlfriends but it doesn't mean I'm experienced. I mean, I'm really good at the chatting up and smooth-talking but I've never actually done it. Slept with someone. But I couldn't tell him that could I?

"Anyway I went upstairs, and found her in the bedroom, with all the lights off on top of a pile of coats. She had taken off half her clothes. I had been intending to say something. All the way upstairs I'd been thinking, 'tell her, tell her you're a virgin.' But how could I? I just knew she thought I wanted to have sex. I was thinking, 'I don't want it like this, what about protection and that?'

"It was awful, looking back, but I did it. I fumbled around and we were hardly talking so eventually, after a bit of wrestling I got it in and it lasted about 10 seconds. I just got dressed and left. I kept thinking, 'well I've done it but what could it have been like?'"

Technorati : sex in First Time

LOVE WITHOUT SEX

In other words, love does not change just because circumstances change. Let's face it, so many people mix up, confuse love and sex, intertwining both, mistaking one for the other, that when they say, "I'm in love," all they really mean is, "I'm loving the sex that I'm having with you."

And so the question is asked, can we really love someone without having sex with them? I know that we can have sex without loving, but does the opposite apply? Well, that was the topic on FAME FM's Uncensored last Monday, and even though I only caught a few minutes of the tail end of the programme, what I heard was most intriguing and revealing.

The truth is, we are all born virgins, devoid and bereft of sex, and live for many years without any desire at all. But the fact of the matter is, it was sex that brought us here, so the genesis of our very existence lies in the carnal act. Also, if some of us only knew what circumstances brought us here, we wouldn't be so smug and judgemental of other people.

Some may have been conceived through love, yes, but I daresay that a lot were brought here through mere carnal pleasure, the byproduct of a lusty, loveless encounter, a fleeting moment of sin, perhaps even a one night stand. But what is true, in many cases, at that very moment, either the words "I love you" were uttered, or at least one party thought that love was involved. Sadly it's usually the woman who thinks this. Wake up and smell the musk, it was not love, just sex.

Still, you will never be able to convince some people that they weren't in love, while the reality is, they were merely in sex. But can we really love someone without having sex with them? Some people, men especially, will lie about it, saying that they can love a woman without having sex with her, but all they really mean is that they are masters of patience, and can play the waiting game for months on end, for he knows that in the end, if he waits her out, untold pleasures will come his way eventually.

So the words will say, "Honey, I love you, and sex really does not matter, it's not your body, but your mind that I want." But the thoughts really are, "I will hold out as long as it takes, and I will tolerate your stringing me along, but eventually you will give in, and I will have my way." And yet there are people, and men, yes men, who can genuinely love a woman without sex being a part of the equation.

One example is this movie star, Terrence Howard, one of the rising black stars, pretty-boy matinee idol types of Hollywood, a guy who you'd think was tearing down the town with his sexual exploits. And yet, he decided that he doesn't have to have sex with the women he dates even though he really cares for them. His theory is, that way, he can date several women at the same time without any feeling of guilt or cheating or emotional stress. Well, he's a strong man, and more power to him, but does he really genuinely love these women, or is he merely using them as stepping stones to the right one? When he reaches that right one, can he love her without the sex?

Closer home, on the Uncensored programme, one of the guests, emotionally said that there is a woman whom he loved for many years and it's pure and genuine, and even though she is involved with someone else, if she were to leave that relationship, and even lose the ability to have sex through some physical problem or whatever, he would still marry her in a heartbeat, knowing fully well that there would be no sex involved...forever. I must tell you, I was moved by the young man's statement, for so many of us are blinded by lust and sex, that we cannot and will never experience true love.

And yet, there are so many who proclaim that there can be no love without sex. Another guest on the programme said that was impossible, and he only gave a woman up to three weeks to let off, and after that, if she doesn't, is gone him gone, on to the next possibility.

And there are also women who share this view, for even though they profess undying love for their men, this love evaporates if the man is incapable of having sex with them, so they will leave and seek carnal pleasures elsewhere. "Is what kinda dead-stock man yu is, if you can't manage the work I will get smaddy else to help yu out." No wonder there are so many stressed-out, anxious young men around, many experimenting with male enhancers and boosters to improve their performance as they seek love.

For in their minds, no sex, no love. A lady recently told me that she read that around 40 per cent of young men in Jamaica between the ages of 25 and 40 years old, were having sexual problems, and in effect could not perform. "Imagine, when I was younger I had to run from guys that age or beat them off with a stick, and now, here it is, they are all dead stock," she said.

Whether these figures are true or not, I do not know, but even if they are close, it's cause for concern. Her argument is borne out by the fact that the sex toy, booster, enhancer, Viagra, Cyalis-laced industry has taken off to be a billion-dollar industry worldwide, and has even mushroomed here in Jamaica. People seek pleasure because they are looking for love. Men feign love looking for sex, and women fake sex looking for love. Why can't the two go hand in hand?

But we must be honest with ourselves, can we really love our partner if no sex is involved? If one day your man came home and said to you, "Honey, I have found the Lord, I have given up my life for Him, sex is a sin, so we must cease and desist," what would you do? Or if your woman said the same thing, or heaven forbid, something should happen like a physical illness or mental disorder that rendered either party incapable of having sex, would either one stay?

There are many medical reasons such as diabetes, high or low blood pressure, stress, that render men impotent. Should they worry that their women would stop loving them? There are also many reasons why women can't or will not have sex with their men, should the love fly out the window too? It's a tough call, for the truth is, sex does bring people closer together, and the more they have it, the closer the emotional bond becomes.

Take it away and there is a strong risk that the bond will be in jeopardy. Even women who are off sex like it when their man requests it of them, as it shows that he still cares. Now I'm not talking about old people who have no more desire for sex, but rather people who are still in their prime, that's when the true test of love without sex manifests itself.

We all know that sex brings problems, but it also brings great pleasure, but the pleasure far outweighs the crosses, hence the constant pursuit. What is true, is that if sex is the main focus of any relationship, then it is doomed to fail, for when the sex wanes, as it will, then there is no emotional substance, no foundation to hold the two together.

That's why so many young marriages barely last a few months, for as soon as the lust wears off, it's out the door and on to the next sexual playing field. Very few one-night stands end up in serious love. Take sex out of the equation for a bit and perhaps people may think more clearly. On that first date, the guy won't be thinking, "I wonder if she'll sleep with me later?"

And she won't be worrying, "Should I give in now, or hold out for a few weeks, but if I wait too long he might leave and if I give in now he might think me cheap and easy?!" Perhaps if they concentrated on getting to know each other, then true emotional love might grow. Now I'm starting to sound like an old man or even a parson, but it's just a thought that warrants exploring.
Love without sex, perhaps it's just a fantasy; for some, when the sex goes, so do they, but with true love, they'll stay through thick and thin, sex or no sex. As one married man told me, "Of course I can love without sex, after all I've been married for twenty years now, and I still love my wife." More time.

Technorati : lust views

The heart of the matter :Bible Studies

enough to think rightly; we also must act rightly. The kingdom of God is about more than following a set of rules or agreeing with a certain set of principles; it is about living as a citizen of God's kingdom in this world.

The implication of Jesus' teaching in this section is that his followers will live differently than the rest of the world. The six examples in this section give concrete form to being salt and light and having a greater righteousness than the Pharisees and the teachers of the law.

Jesus' model in his teaching is to call attention to the Old Testament teaching. All of his followers there would have had at least a passing understanding with each of these teachings. Jesus then calls his disciples to an even higher standard than the law did.

This is the place where we usually get hung up. It is apparent to anyone who reads the Old Testament that Israel, and the rest of the world which they represented, was by no means capable of maintaining even the original standards of the law.

How in the world are we supposed to live up to this higher standard? This is precisely the problem that has caused us to skip over the Sermon on the Mount, or to view it as an ethic for a different time. I hope that by looking at each section, we can see Jesus did not give us an unrealistic standard to live up to but taught us how to begin to live to that standard.

We might best title Matthew 5:21-26, "Dealing with Anger." Jesus starts by saying, "You have heard it said, … 'Do not murder,'" but Jesus goes further by getting to the root cause of murder, "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother is subject to judgment."

First, Jesus in no way says a Christian should never be angry. In order for us to never be angry, we must be apathetic; it means that we don't care. When something that we value is hurt or in some way diminished, it causes us to be angry. When someone, or something, causes our family to hurt, we are angry. Anger comes because we care deeply about someone or something. That is the reason church fights are the worst. We care about the church, we love the church and that is true of both sides. What Jesus does here is tell us how to be delivered from that anger and live together as brothers and sisters in Christ. In short, Jesus tells us how to keep our anger from causing us to sin.

In Kingdom Ethics, Glen Stassen and David Gushee call Jesus' teaching "transforming initiatives." Jesus does not give us a command without telling us how to fulfill it. Jesus gives us a specific way to deal with our anger, to keep it from getting out of hand and leading us to sin. Jesus says if there is a brother who has something against us, we are to go and be reconciled. We are to take the initiative in making the relationship right. Jesus moves us from allowing anger to take over our lives to living in grace and restoration.

It should not surprise us that this is the method Jesus prescribes for us. It is exactly what God has done for us. Romans 5:8 says: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God does not allow his anger to go unchecked but gives us every opportunity for reconciliation. He calls for us to do the same. Jesus does not ask us to do what he has not already done, and in doing so, sets the example for us.

Matthew 5:27-30 deals specifically with sexual lust. It follows the same pattern as the previous section. Jesus reminds them of the standard, sets it higher and then tells us how to live it out. Once again, Jesus deals with the issue in the germinal stage. Adultery hasn't yet happened, but the seeds are there. Lust is best defined as looking with a desire to conquer or possess. It does not mean appreciating beauty. It is normal for us to admire people of the opposite sex who are beautiful. Sin comes in when that admiration is twisted into something other than what God desires.

Jesus prescribes radical action for dealing with lust. Gouging out an eye and cutting off a hand could not be described as anything less than radical. Jesus tells us we need to take radical action to remove the cause of temptation. With the Internet, cable and satellite TV, we have access to temptation at our fingertips. For some, action as radical as doing away with Internet or cable at the house might be necessary. For others, software for which only our spouses have the password might be necessary. The point Jesus makes here is this: do what is necessary to remove the temptation.

Jesus is fully aware of the power of this temptation. He places the responsibility squarely on the man's shoulders. In that culture, women usually were blamed for lustful relationships. Not much has changed in our day. The women still tend to take the brunt of the blame. Jesus placed responsibility for their actions, habits and practices squarely on the shoulders of the men. Men in particular need to step up and take the responsibility to change those actions which lead to lust.

If we have not experienced personally the difficulty of divorce, then we certainly have seen it in the lives of our friends and family members. It is no different now than it was then, we still are looking for ways to justify divorce. Jesus' emphasis was different; it focused on how we can reconcile broken relationships rather than looking for ways out. This does not mean there are not reasons to legitimately divorce; it does mean we first seek reconciliation and restoration. Jesus deals with this in greater detail in Matthew 19:3-9. It is a good idea to consult this text in conjunction with Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

Technorati : lust

Lust free Living

Lust Free Living is a small-group curriculum for Christian men and women who struggle with lust and sexual issues. It was developed as a short, easy to read, blunt, honest and direct way for Christian men and women to talk about sexual issues. It is Biblically sound and walks men through actual, solid, concrete help. A Coaching Guide with videos for each chapter is available to set the tone for maximum effectiveness.

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LUST is the missing piece of the puzzle.

When you have almost finished the puzzle, you discover that there is one small, lousy piece missing. This is the moment we want to capture, because this is the moment something basic is going to happen. Whether you start searching until you find the missing piece, or you throw away the puzzle altogether. Both options are a thousand times more interesting than the moment the puzzle is finished, because when that happens, there is nothing more. However, what you will remember ­ the thing that indelibly stays with you ­ is that puzzle with the hole: the part asking for interpretation.



Whenever, or whatever, we were designing, we kept coming across a term that was distilled from the large quantities of data we always use as our idea/inspiration base. That term was LUST.
LUST is a term that cannot be clearly defined. LUST concerns the difference between RATIO and COINCIDENCE, between vision and urge. From the multiplication of these terms, designs emerge that have often an autonomous character, yet almost always have a relation with previous LUST designs. LUST designs & philosophy do not emerge from style but from interpretation and conceptualization of the assignment. We are mainly interested in CONTEXT and ASSOCIATION.

here it offers you a peek into our world called LUST. We have given this world a tangiable structure that should challenge, as well as, guide you through all the layers of our thought processes. We have built in many hidden or random links and elements into this world, so be curious and explore your way through it! No one interpretation of LUST is correct. Your conclusion is just as valid as ours. LUST is, after all, personal. Everybody carries their own baggage with them. We respect your baggage, but at the same time would like to show you ours. We want to try to push you, encourage you to participate in this dialog until the transformation takes place towards personal insight, personal investigation, and personal conclusions within LUST.

After all, it's all about exhalting DEGRADATION, or, the closer you get to the truth, the uglier things will be. In the end, there is only a black square.

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Am I in Love?

How to Know if You're Really in Love
It is a very common question, "How can I tell I'm in love?", but it is not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust. This can get confusing when you are a teen because romantic love is a relatively new concept for you and you don't know what to expect. You are overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings and social pressures. They are confusing. What is love? What makes you want a romantic relationship with one person and not another? How does your heart choose a partner? Why does love end? These questions can't be easily answered.
One of the most confusing quasi-love feelings is lust. Lust is a very powerful, very intense feeling of physical attraction toward another person. Lust is mainly sexual in nature - the attraction is superficial based on instant chemistry rather than genuine caring. Usually we lust after people we do not know well, people we still feel comfortable fantasizing about. It is very common for people to confuse lust for love. But why? What is it about lust and love that make them so easy to mix up? If lust is all about sex, how can a relationship without sex be about lust? Teens struggle with this because they see lust in the Biblical sense, but lust isn't that sinister. Lust is about physical attraction and acting ONLY on physical attraction. Love is about much more than that. Yet many teens (and to be fair, many adults) confuse an intense attraction for some sort if divine love. For teens, since feelings of attraction are still new and since pop-culture sells sex and love as one package, it is very easy to get the two mixed up.

Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.
You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

Lust

What is lust??
Lust is everything,
I will say lust is the power of the generative world.
Lust is any intense desire or craving for self gratification. Lust can mean strictly sexual lust, although it is also common to speak of a "lust for life", "lust for blood (bloodlust for short)", or a "lust for power" or other goals. The Greek word which translates as lust is epithymia (επιθυμια), which also is translated into English as "to covet
Etymology
The word is derived from the Old English term for desire, and ultimately from a Germanic which also originated High German lust ('wish, desire'). In German, the word Lust denotes simply "desire".

Obsolete uses include lust in the sense of pleasure, or relish.


Lust in the context of religion

Christianity—General
Catholic tradition considers lust to be one of the main sins or vices.


Christianity—Roman Catholicism
Roman Catholic Church teaches that lust is one of the seven capital vices, popularly known as the seven deadly sins. A vice, according to this tradition, is a "habit inclining one to sin" [1]. The specific sins to which lust may lead are fornication, adultery, incest, criminal assault, abduction, sodomy, rape, and others. [2]. However, "Such guilt as [one] may have contracted in any case is charged directly to the sinful act, not to the vice;" [3] in other words, it is the specific sins, and not the vice itself, which deprive one's soul of sanctifying grace and make one deserving of God's punishment.

Punishment in the afterlife
According to some Christian sources [4], reprobates whose chief unforgiven sin is lust are punished in Hell by being "smothered in fire and brimstone." However, while most Christian traditions agree that at some point after death the damned individuals find themselves in a hell where they suffer punishment for their sins, most traditions also agree that one can only speculate regarding the precise nature of any punishment above and beyond the principal torment, which comes simply from being totally separated from God.


Repentance in Purgatory
According to The Divine Comedy, penance who are guilty of lust cleanse their soul of the sin by walking through flames, thereby purging their minds of all lustful thoughts.