I love you ?How to tell love from lust

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I love you.
Means what ?
Love appears to be a more evolved behaviour than lust, according to new research that has mapped the brain's centres of love, lust and attachment.

The authors of the study believe that lust is quite different from love.

"[Love] requires more sophisticated behaviours, reward and memory systems than other mammals," says lead author Dr Lucy Brown, a neurologist at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

"It is present to some degree in other primates that are close to us in brain development."

She says humans have evolved three distinct brain systems for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, romantic love and attachment to a long-term partner.

Brown and her colleagues took magnetic resonance images, or pictures of brain activity, of 17 young men and women who described themselves as being "newly and madly in love."

The researchers compared the MRI data with earlier studies on male penile girth responses to photographs of women, other studies on how the brains of men and women activate when individuals view people they find to be attractive or unattractive, and data on both human and animal couples that have been together for a long time.

The findings will be published in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology.

Left versus right brain

The researchers discovered that early stage romantic love feelings are located mainly on the right side at the base of the brain, or the ventral midbrain, and in the middle of the brain, the caudate nucleus.

Long-term attachment, on the other hand, appears to be centred in the front and base of the brain, or the ventral putamen and the pallidum.

Feelings related to lust and sexual arousal occupy different areas, mostly located on the left-hand side of the brain.

The area of overlap seems to mostly involve visual information, but for romantic love to set in, it takes more than just a lustful pang and a pretty face.

Lust is good but love is better

Lust obviously can lead to procreation, which ensures the survival of a species, but the scientists believe love is better for humans in the long-term.

"Simple lust may be necessary in extremely difficult survival circumstances when there is no time for romance," Brown says.

"It is known that people in very dangerous and threatening situations can suddenly find themselves lusty for each other, even though they are strangers.

However, under safe circumstances within a stable society, romantic love and attachment may be the best and more efficient way to continue species survival."

Brown and her team believe that "love at first sight" is a real phenomenon, but they say other non-visual aspects of a person, such as mannerisms, voice, personality and social status, usually must come into play if lust is to evolve into love.

The researchers suggest "love at first sight" and the obsessive goal-driven aspects of early love are both evolved behaviours that speed up mating and provide a better chance for successful reproduction.

"Rather than get up the energy to go to a different bar every night and maybe be successful in finding a different person every night, sticking to the same person, being able to have sex without spending time on the search may increase chances for pregnancy," Brown says.

Crazy for you?

Dr Donatella Marazziti, a University of Pisa scientist who has also studied the brain and biochemical activity of people in love, agrees with the findings.

Marazziti says she isn't not surprised by the neural basis for "love at first sight," since, according to her theory, "love is a basic emotion, which would use the system of the basic emotions and, as such, it is sudden and unpredictable."

Marazziti also says that romantic lovers are a bit "crazy," since they can experience chemical imbalances within the brain.

Mental health experts have linked somewhat similar imbalances to depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

Hiten talks about love & lust

Hiten Tejwani reveals all.


Your first crush...

I really can’t remember.

Your first date...

That was when I was in college. I was in Jai Hind. She was in the same college. We went to the nearby Satkar restaurant.

Your idea of a perfect date...

With my wife Gauri on a beautiful island. We both loves beaches. So, it would be just perfect for us.

What qualities do you look for in a woman?

It’s not about external appearance, but inner beauty. Somebody who is a nice person and understanding. If she has a good sense of humour that would be the icing on the cake.

What was your first relationship like?

I was in my teens then. It was when I was in college. Actually it was a learning experience.

What do you think about lust versus love?

Where there is love there is lust.

What is romance to you?

It’s about being there for each other always.

Who’d you like to get dirty with on an island?

So many of them!!

Do you believe in the institution of marriage?

Yes of course. Marriage is a serious matter. Whoever plans to get married must remember they are getting into a bond which is forever. Two people in a marriage have to make it work. They are two different individuals who’ve come together and there are bound to be some differences. It’s all about adjusting and having a good understanding.

Your take on infidelity?

Why cheat on your partner and put your marriage in trouble. It makes no sense.

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE # 1

. LUST—RESPONDING TO IMPRINTED SEXUAL FANTASIES

A. Where Does Lust Come From?

Lust is the sexual feeling we find arising within ourselves
when we meet a person who triggers our sexual responses.
Our sexual responses were imprinted into us at an early age
—probably before age 20 and perhaps most importantly during adolescence.

We might like to think that our sexual responses came from our animal ancestors,
but that would not explain why we are aroused by
words, stories, myths, settings, clothing, etc.
We get 'turned on' by all kinds of things that have strong symbolic content,
which is not possible for the other animals,
since they do not use abstract symbols.

But it seems safe to assume that human lusting
has been happening for at least 100,000 years,
which marks the beginning of our symbolic capacity
and the emergence of human language.
These early humans probably had different sexual imprinting,
but they were probably 'turned on' by sexy stories just as we are.

Which people really 'turn us on'
—even if we do not know them personally?
What are our best lust-objects?
Heterosexual males find themselves sexually attracted
to conventionally-sexy females.
Heterosexual females find themselves sexually attracted
to conventionally-sexy males.
Just switch the lust-objects for most homosexual males and females.

We grow up knowing that we lust after certain kinds of people.


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B. Does Our Lust-Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

When we were teen-agers we lusted after others our own age.
And it now appears that those we lusted for in our youth
remain inside our sexual brains for the rest of our lives.
Thus as our bodies and minds get older and more mature,
our sexual responses do not mature along with us.
We still find ourselves 'turned on' by the images that aroused us in our teen years.

We might find ourselves torn between
the mature adults we have become in every other way
and the 'adolescent' sexual responses that still control our sexual brains.


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C. How Should We Respond to the Lust We Find within Ourselves?

Even tho we discover that we cannot change the lusty stories in our brains,
we are always responsible for the sexual behavior we create from those impulses.
Some of us experience no conflict between our sexual imprinting
and the behavior that naturally follows from it.
We might actually enjoy the resulting sexual behavior.

But if as we become more mature adults,
we do not like the specific sexual response we find within ourselves,
then we have the difficult task of re-creating our sexuality
so that it reflects more the persons we have become in adulthood
than the teen-agers we were some years ago.


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II. ROMANTIC LOVE—HOW OUR HEARTS WERE TRAINED TO 'FALL IN LOVE'.

One of the most common alternatives to lusting is loving.
But the kind of love we usually mean is romantic love,
which also might lead us into problems.

A. Where Does Romantic Love Come From?

Just as we might like to believe that our human sexuality is 'natural',
so we usually assume that 'falling in love' comes naturally.
But historical investigation has discovered
that what we know as romantic love is only about 800 years old.
This seems shocking and impossible to us as first,
since we know that people have been mating and reproducing for millions of years.
But if we clearly separate lust from love,
we can see that lust might have accounted for the sexual behavior of our ancestors
even if they could never have understood a romantic Hollywood movie.

Romantic love is a cultural construct,
which has been spread over the whole Earth by the mass media.
Before radio, television, and movies—100 years ago—
large parts of the world had never heard of 'falling in love'.
They still had sexual relationships and families, of course,
but the fantasy of romantic love did not run their relationships.

Romantic love is basically an emotional story we tell ourselves.
By means of the mass media, we have been programmed
so that we 'fall in love' following the patterns prescribed in the Hollywood script.
We try to reproduce a fantasy feeling.
We 'fall in love' with the Dream Lover we brought with us
when we set out to find "someone to love".


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B. Does Our Romantic Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

Because we have learned how to 'fall in love' from the surrounding culture,
it is also possible to unlearn this emotional programming.
However, if we are enjoying the game of romance,
we might not want to be awakened from that dream.
Only when the romantic delusion starts to fall apart
do we begin to look for more mature ways of loving.

So, at least for some people, romantic love can be replaced by relationships
not based on emotional responses learned from the culture
but based on the two persons as they are re-inventing themselves to be.
Meaningful loving relationships can be created
completely beyond the romantic mythology.


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C. How Should We Respond to the Romantic Feelings We Find within Ourselves?

Many of us have few problems with the romantic responses we experience.
We enjoy the game of falling in and out of love.
And we will continue to seek new romantic adventures for the rest of our lives.

We might decide that the game of romance is harmless,
as long as all players realize
that they are trying to re-create a story they saw on television.

But after a few more cycles on the merry-go-round of love,
we might ask whether we want to repeat this fantasy-script.

A more mature response can leave the romantic fantasies behind
and proceed to create relationships beyond romantic illusions.


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III. BEYOND BOTH LUST AND LOVE—CREATING UNIQUE RELATIONSHIPS.

A. Where Do Relationships Come From?

As strange as it might seem to some people at first,
it is possible to create relationships beyond our imprinted sex-scripts (the lust response)
and beyond our emotionally-programmed romantic feelings (the love response).
These relationships will be based in something much more substantial
—in the new persons we are creating ourselves to be.

In other words, loving relationships based in Authenticity
emerge from the actual interaction of two people who are building that relationship.
Piece by piece, we can create new patterns of being together
that have never been attempted before.
We are not prisoners of our imprinted sex-scripts.
We do not need to replicate romantic feelings we leaned from the movies.

What we choose as our central purposes in life
can also become central to our loving relationships.
In freedom we can re-create our selves—and our relationships.


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B. Do Our Loving Relationships Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

When our loving relationships are based on our own free choices
rather than our imprinted sexual fantasies
or the romantic traditions we picked up from society,
then we are also free to change our relationships as the years go by.
In fact, it is very likely that we will create new dimensions of our relationships
while we let some older aspects die away as no longer meaningful.
If we become more Authentic in new ways,
those changes will also show themselves in our relationships.
Our sexual responses will probably remain the same.
And the romantic tradition will continue into the foreseeable future.
But as free persons, we can create new kinds of relationships.


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C. How Do We Conduct and Transform Our Loving Relationships?

When we were still allowing our connections with others
to be shaped by our sexual responses and our romantic dreams,
we had to fight against these influences
if we wanted to do anything that was definitely our own.
But once we begin to re-invent love for the two persons we are and are becoming,
then the next phase of our relationship will be whatever we decide it will be.

We conduct our relationship by making daily decisions
about what we will do together.
And we make major transformations of our relationship
by discussing and deciding what new things we will try.
With each new experiment in our relationship,
we will evaluate the results as seen from both sides.
We will abandon the changes that did not work for us.
And we will continue and develop the new dimensions that we both like.

Lusting and 'falling in love' are only the beginning.
After we get beyond sex and romance,
we can use our creativity to re-invent love.

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE

Connecting with other persons is an important dimensions of living.

One of the first things that draws us to other people is our sexual response.
But because lust responds to abstract characteristics of the other,
we might find simple sex a deficient basis for an on-going relationship.

Parallel to our sexual responses we also find ourselves 'falling in love'.
This emotional response has deep roots in our Western culture.
But romantic love is also a deficient basis for a meaningful relationship.

Beyond lust and love, it is still possible to create relationships
based on the persons we are inventing ourselves to be.
Beyond sexual and emotional givens,
we can love freely and creatively.

OUTLINE:
I. LUST—RESPONDING TO IMPRINTED SEXUAL FANTASIES.

A. Where Does Lust Come From?

B. Does Our Lust-Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Should We Respond to the Lust We Find within Ourselves?

II. ROMANTIC LOVE—HOW OUR HEARTS WERE TRAINED TO 'FALL IN LOVE'.

A. Where Does Romantic Love Come From?

B. Does Our Romantic Response Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Should We Respond to the Romantic Feelings We Find within Ourselves?

III. BEYOND BOTH LUST AND LOVE—CREATING UNIQUE RELATIONSHIPS.

A. Where Do Relationships Come From?

B. Do Our Loving Relationships Change and Mature Over a Life-Time?

C. How Do We Conduct and Transform Our Loving Relationships?

SEPARATING LUST AND LOVE

Lust trumps love when it comes to having sex

Study finds there aren't many gender differences in reasons for intimacy.

After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations.

It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex - they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior. Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and women.

Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."

Researchers at the University of Texas spent five years and their own money to study the overlooked why behind sex while others were spending their time on the how.

"It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes ... that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love," said University of Texas clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston, the study's co-author. "That's not what I came up with in my findings."

Few gender differences
Forget thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus, "the more we look, the more we find similarity," said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. Goldstein, who wasn't part of Meston's study, said the Texas research made a lot of sense and adds to growing evidence that the vaunted differences in the genders may only be among people with sexual problems.

Meston and colleague David Buss first questioned 444 men and women - ranging in age from 17 to 52 - to come up with a list of 237 distinct reasons people have sex. They ranged from "It's fun" which men ranked fourth and women ranked eighth to "I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease" which ranked on the bottom by women.

Once they came up with that long list, Meston and Buss asked 1,549 college students taking psychology classes to rank the reasons on a one-to-five scale on how they applied to their experiences.

"None of the gender differences are all that great," Meston said. "Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it, somewhat more so than women. Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner."

But this is among college students, when Meston conceded "hormones run rampant." She predicted huge differences when older groups of people are studied.

Since her study came out Tuesday, people are coming up with new reasons to have sex.

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