LOVE WITHOUT SEX

In other words, love does not change just because circumstances change. Let's face it, so many people mix up, confuse love and sex, intertwining both, mistaking one for the other, that when they say, "I'm in love," all they really mean is, "I'm loving the sex that I'm having with you."

And so the question is asked, can we really love someone without having sex with them? I know that we can have sex without loving, but does the opposite apply? Well, that was the topic on FAME FM's Uncensored last Monday, and even though I only caught a few minutes of the tail end of the programme, what I heard was most intriguing and revealing.

The truth is, we are all born virgins, devoid and bereft of sex, and live for many years without any desire at all. But the fact of the matter is, it was sex that brought us here, so the genesis of our very existence lies in the carnal act. Also, if some of us only knew what circumstances brought us here, we wouldn't be so smug and judgemental of other people.

Some may have been conceived through love, yes, but I daresay that a lot were brought here through mere carnal pleasure, the byproduct of a lusty, loveless encounter, a fleeting moment of sin, perhaps even a one night stand. But what is true, in many cases, at that very moment, either the words "I love you" were uttered, or at least one party thought that love was involved. Sadly it's usually the woman who thinks this. Wake up and smell the musk, it was not love, just sex.

Still, you will never be able to convince some people that they weren't in love, while the reality is, they were merely in sex. But can we really love someone without having sex with them? Some people, men especially, will lie about it, saying that they can love a woman without having sex with her, but all they really mean is that they are masters of patience, and can play the waiting game for months on end, for he knows that in the end, if he waits her out, untold pleasures will come his way eventually.

So the words will say, "Honey, I love you, and sex really does not matter, it's not your body, but your mind that I want." But the thoughts really are, "I will hold out as long as it takes, and I will tolerate your stringing me along, but eventually you will give in, and I will have my way." And yet there are people, and men, yes men, who can genuinely love a woman without sex being a part of the equation.

One example is this movie star, Terrence Howard, one of the rising black stars, pretty-boy matinee idol types of Hollywood, a guy who you'd think was tearing down the town with his sexual exploits. And yet, he decided that he doesn't have to have sex with the women he dates even though he really cares for them. His theory is, that way, he can date several women at the same time without any feeling of guilt or cheating or emotional stress. Well, he's a strong man, and more power to him, but does he really genuinely love these women, or is he merely using them as stepping stones to the right one? When he reaches that right one, can he love her without the sex?

Closer home, on the Uncensored programme, one of the guests, emotionally said that there is a woman whom he loved for many years and it's pure and genuine, and even though she is involved with someone else, if she were to leave that relationship, and even lose the ability to have sex through some physical problem or whatever, he would still marry her in a heartbeat, knowing fully well that there would be no sex involved...forever. I must tell you, I was moved by the young man's statement, for so many of us are blinded by lust and sex, that we cannot and will never experience true love.

And yet, there are so many who proclaim that there can be no love without sex. Another guest on the programme said that was impossible, and he only gave a woman up to three weeks to let off, and after that, if she doesn't, is gone him gone, on to the next possibility.

And there are also women who share this view, for even though they profess undying love for their men, this love evaporates if the man is incapable of having sex with them, so they will leave and seek carnal pleasures elsewhere. "Is what kinda dead-stock man yu is, if you can't manage the work I will get smaddy else to help yu out." No wonder there are so many stressed-out, anxious young men around, many experimenting with male enhancers and boosters to improve their performance as they seek love.

For in their minds, no sex, no love. A lady recently told me that she read that around 40 per cent of young men in Jamaica between the ages of 25 and 40 years old, were having sexual problems, and in effect could not perform. "Imagine, when I was younger I had to run from guys that age or beat them off with a stick, and now, here it is, they are all dead stock," she said.

Whether these figures are true or not, I do not know, but even if they are close, it's cause for concern. Her argument is borne out by the fact that the sex toy, booster, enhancer, Viagra, Cyalis-laced industry has taken off to be a billion-dollar industry worldwide, and has even mushroomed here in Jamaica. People seek pleasure because they are looking for love. Men feign love looking for sex, and women fake sex looking for love. Why can't the two go hand in hand?

But we must be honest with ourselves, can we really love our partner if no sex is involved? If one day your man came home and said to you, "Honey, I have found the Lord, I have given up my life for Him, sex is a sin, so we must cease and desist," what would you do? Or if your woman said the same thing, or heaven forbid, something should happen like a physical illness or mental disorder that rendered either party incapable of having sex, would either one stay?

There are many medical reasons such as diabetes, high or low blood pressure, stress, that render men impotent. Should they worry that their women would stop loving them? There are also many reasons why women can't or will not have sex with their men, should the love fly out the window too? It's a tough call, for the truth is, sex does bring people closer together, and the more they have it, the closer the emotional bond becomes.

Take it away and there is a strong risk that the bond will be in jeopardy. Even women who are off sex like it when their man requests it of them, as it shows that he still cares. Now I'm not talking about old people who have no more desire for sex, but rather people who are still in their prime, that's when the true test of love without sex manifests itself.

We all know that sex brings problems, but it also brings great pleasure, but the pleasure far outweighs the crosses, hence the constant pursuit. What is true, is that if sex is the main focus of any relationship, then it is doomed to fail, for when the sex wanes, as it will, then there is no emotional substance, no foundation to hold the two together.

That's why so many young marriages barely last a few months, for as soon as the lust wears off, it's out the door and on to the next sexual playing field. Very few one-night stands end up in serious love. Take sex out of the equation for a bit and perhaps people may think more clearly. On that first date, the guy won't be thinking, "I wonder if she'll sleep with me later?"

And she won't be worrying, "Should I give in now, or hold out for a few weeks, but if I wait too long he might leave and if I give in now he might think me cheap and easy?!" Perhaps if they concentrated on getting to know each other, then true emotional love might grow. Now I'm starting to sound like an old man or even a parson, but it's just a thought that warrants exploring.
Love without sex, perhaps it's just a fantasy; for some, when the sex goes, so do they, but with true love, they'll stay through thick and thin, sex or no sex. As one married man told me, "Of course I can love without sex, after all I've been married for twenty years now, and I still love my wife." More time.

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Forecast of Lust for sex: Sex and Marriage With Robots by 2050

LUST FOR SEX

Humans could marry robots within the century. And consummate those vows.

"My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots," artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience.

Levy recently completed his Ph.D. work on the subject of human-robot relationships, covering many of the privileges and practices that generally come with marriage as well as outside of it.

At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, "but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon," Levy said.

Pygmalion to Roomba

The idea of romance between humanity and our artistic and/or mechanical creations dates back to ancient times, with the Greek myth of the sculptor Pygmalion falling in love with the ivory statue he made named Galatea, to which the goddess Venus eventually granted life

This notion persists in modern times. Not only has science fiction explored this idea, but 40 years ago, scientists noticed that students at times became unusually attracted to ELIZA, a computer program designed to ask questions and mimic a psychotherapist.

"There's a trend of robots becoming more human-like in appearance and coming more in contact with humans," Levy said. "At first robots were used impersonally, in factories where they helped build automobiles, for instance. Then they were used in offices to deliver mail, or to show visitors around museums, or in homes as vacuum cleaners, such as with the Roomba. Now you have robot toys, like Sony's Aibo robot dog, or Tickle Me Elmos, or digital pets like Tamagotchis."

In his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," Levy conjectures that robots will become so human-like in appearance, function and personality that many people will fall in love with them, have sex with them and even marry them.

"It may sound a little weird, but it isn't," Levy said. "Love and sex with robots are inevitable."

Sex in 5 years

Levy argues that psychologists have identified roughly a dozen basic reasons why people fall in love, "and almost all of them could apply to human-robot relationships. For instance, one thing that prompts people to fall in love are similarities in personality and knowledge, and all of this is programmable. Another reason people are more likely to fall in love is if they know the other person likes them, and that's programmable too."

In 2006, Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that people will be having sex with robots within five years, and Levy thinks that's quite likely.

There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, "and it's just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration," he said, or endowing the robots with a few audio responses. "That's fairly primitive in terms of robotics, but the technology is already there."

As software becomes more advanced and the relationship between humans and robots becomes more personal, marriage could result.

"One hundred years ago, interracial marriage and same-sex marriages were illegal in the United States. Interracial marriage has been legal now for 50 years, and same-sex marriage is legal in some parts of the states," Levy said. "There has been this trend in marriage where each partner gets to make their own choice of who they want to be with."

"The question is not if this will happen, but when," Levy said. "I am convinced the answer is much earlier than you think."

When and where it'll happen

Levy predicts Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize human-robot marriage.

"Massachusetts is more liberal than most other jurisdictions in the United States and has been at the forefront of same-sex marriage," Levy said. "There's also a lot of high-tech research there at places like MIT."

Although roboticist Ronald Arkin at the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta does not think human-robot marriages will be legal anywhere by 2050, "anything's possible. And just because it's not legal doesn't mean people won't try it," he told LiveScience.

"Humans are very unusual creatures," Arkin said. "If you ask me if every human will want to marry a robot, my answer is probably not. But will there be a subset of people? There are people ready right now to marry sex toys."

The main benefit of human-robot marriage could be to make people who otherwise could not get married happier, "people who find it hard to form relationships, because they are extremely shy, or have psychological problems, or are just plain ugly or have unpleasant personalities," Levy said. "Of course, such people who completely give up the idea of forming relationships with other people are going to be few and far between, but they will be out there."

Ethical questions

The possibility of sex with robots could prove a mixed bag for humanity. For instance, robot sex could provide an outlet for criminal sexual urges.

"If you have pedophiles and you let them use a robotic child, will that reduce the incidence of them abusing real children, or will it increase it?" Arkin asked. "I don't think anyone has the answers for that yet - that's where future research needs to be done."

Keeping a robot for sex could reduce human prostitution and the problems that come with it.

However, "in a marriage or other relationship, one partner could be jealous or consider it infidelity if the other used a robot," Levy said. "But who knows, maybe some other relationships could welcome a robot. Instead of a woman saying, 'Darling, not tonight, I have a headache,' you could get 'Darling, I have a headache, why not use your robot?'"

Arkin noted that "if we allow robots to become a part of everyday life and bond with them, we'll have to ask questions about what's going to happen to our social fabric. How will they change humanity and civilization? I don't have any answers, but I think it's something we need to study. There's a real potential for intimacy here, where humans become psychologically and emotionally attached to these devices in ways we wouldn't to a vibrator."

Levy is currently writing a paper on the ethical treatment of robots. When it comes to sex and love with robots, "the ethical issues on how to treat them are something we'll have to consider very seriously, and they're very complicated issues," Levy said.

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The heart of the matter :Bible Studies

enough to think rightly; we also must act rightly. The kingdom of God is about more than following a set of rules or agreeing with a certain set of principles; it is about living as a citizen of God's kingdom in this world.

The implication of Jesus' teaching in this section is that his followers will live differently than the rest of the world. The six examples in this section give concrete form to being salt and light and having a greater righteousness than the Pharisees and the teachers of the law.

Jesus' model in his teaching is to call attention to the Old Testament teaching. All of his followers there would have had at least a passing understanding with each of these teachings. Jesus then calls his disciples to an even higher standard than the law did.

This is the place where we usually get hung up. It is apparent to anyone who reads the Old Testament that Israel, and the rest of the world which they represented, was by no means capable of maintaining even the original standards of the law.

How in the world are we supposed to live up to this higher standard? This is precisely the problem that has caused us to skip over the Sermon on the Mount, or to view it as an ethic for a different time. I hope that by looking at each section, we can see Jesus did not give us an unrealistic standard to live up to but taught us how to begin to live to that standard.

We might best title Matthew 5:21-26, "Dealing with Anger." Jesus starts by saying, "You have heard it said, … 'Do not murder,'" but Jesus goes further by getting to the root cause of murder, "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother is subject to judgment."

First, Jesus in no way says a Christian should never be angry. In order for us to never be angry, we must be apathetic; it means that we don't care. When something that we value is hurt or in some way diminished, it causes us to be angry. When someone, or something, causes our family to hurt, we are angry. Anger comes because we care deeply about someone or something. That is the reason church fights are the worst. We care about the church, we love the church and that is true of both sides. What Jesus does here is tell us how to be delivered from that anger and live together as brothers and sisters in Christ. In short, Jesus tells us how to keep our anger from causing us to sin.

In Kingdom Ethics, Glen Stassen and David Gushee call Jesus' teaching "transforming initiatives." Jesus does not give us a command without telling us how to fulfill it. Jesus gives us a specific way to deal with our anger, to keep it from getting out of hand and leading us to sin. Jesus says if there is a brother who has something against us, we are to go and be reconciled. We are to take the initiative in making the relationship right. Jesus moves us from allowing anger to take over our lives to living in grace and restoration.

It should not surprise us that this is the method Jesus prescribes for us. It is exactly what God has done for us. Romans 5:8 says: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God does not allow his anger to go unchecked but gives us every opportunity for reconciliation. He calls for us to do the same. Jesus does not ask us to do what he has not already done, and in doing so, sets the example for us.

Matthew 5:27-30 deals specifically with sexual lust. It follows the same pattern as the previous section. Jesus reminds them of the standard, sets it higher and then tells us how to live it out. Once again, Jesus deals with the issue in the germinal stage. Adultery hasn't yet happened, but the seeds are there. Lust is best defined as looking with a desire to conquer or possess. It does not mean appreciating beauty. It is normal for us to admire people of the opposite sex who are beautiful. Sin comes in when that admiration is twisted into something other than what God desires.

Jesus prescribes radical action for dealing with lust. Gouging out an eye and cutting off a hand could not be described as anything less than radical. Jesus tells us we need to take radical action to remove the cause of temptation. With the Internet, cable and satellite TV, we have access to temptation at our fingertips. For some, action as radical as doing away with Internet or cable at the house might be necessary. For others, software for which only our spouses have the password might be necessary. The point Jesus makes here is this: do what is necessary to remove the temptation.

Jesus is fully aware of the power of this temptation. He places the responsibility squarely on the man's shoulders. In that culture, women usually were blamed for lustful relationships. Not much has changed in our day. The women still tend to take the brunt of the blame. Jesus placed responsibility for their actions, habits and practices squarely on the shoulders of the men. Men in particular need to step up and take the responsibility to change those actions which lead to lust.

If we have not experienced personally the difficulty of divorce, then we certainly have seen it in the lives of our friends and family members. It is no different now than it was then, we still are looking for ways to justify divorce. Jesus' emphasis was different; it focused on how we can reconcile broken relationships rather than looking for ways out. This does not mean there are not reasons to legitimately divorce; it does mean we first seek reconciliation and restoration. Jesus deals with this in greater detail in Matthew 19:3-9. It is a good idea to consult this text in conjunction with Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

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